Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. robot@craigslist.org robot@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2012-01-29T19:00:43-05:00 2 daily Star Turtle needed to tow planet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hvn/2824750234.html Seeking the services of a star turtle or other celestial amphibian to tow our planet closer to the sun. We need to evaporate a lake. Please note that the lake is sentient and evil, so please be prepared for that. Don't worry, we don't have peanut butter. <ul> <li> Location: Terisdale</li> <li> Compensation: gold, platinum, gems, or pizza</li> <li> This is a part-time job.</li> <li> This is a contract job.</li> <li> OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities</li> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.</li> <li>Phone calls about this job are ok.</li> <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2012-01-29T19:00:43-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hvn/2824750234.html Star Turtle needed to tow planet text The gator that ate my pot bellied pig http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/2800031711.html I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife's family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don't get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator ( has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse contact me. Thanks, Jimmy T. <ul> <li> Location: Jacksonville</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2012-01-14T16:19:32-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/2800031711.html The gator that ate my pot bellied pig text Dolores Park around noon - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2783430662.html My day began pretty normal. Wake up, eat cereal, pull on jeans, call in sick to work and head to Dolo. Turns out my roommate (that lackluster ass-hat, dirty water, dick-lipped, anti-poon waste of sexual organs and air) decided to break up edibles in my cereal in hopes that I would eat it and then go to work super high. It worked, I was high. Really high. So high I could taste colors and touch emotions. Up was happiness and left was pink. But, unlike the joyful acceptance that comes from willingly doing drugs, un-willingly doing them is much different. I didn't know how I got high, which lead me to think I was having a stroke or that I had died and this was some weird limbo. Ultimately I decided that I was still dreaming. This was a mistake. Accepting the fact that I was lucid dreaming, I got half naked and pissed myself while running down Guerrero street (don't judge me). I arrived at the park with a half eaten Mexi-pop and 1 can of PBR (if you know how I got these things please let me know and if I robbed a store, I'm sorry and I will repay you.) I saw you almost immediately and tried to make my move. You were beautiful. Eyes more beautiful than a tinfoil wrapped Cancun super burrito and skin graffitied like a side street mural. I would go vegan, fair-trade, local, organic for you. But, things didn't work out in my favor. As I approached to drop my finest pick-up lines, I tripped. I must have hit my head on a rock because I woke up in the grass facedown and you were gone. If you remember seeing a clumsy boy knock himself out, I'd love to take you to dinner at Gracias Madre. Also, if you know who went through my pockets while I was unconscious I would really appreciate that too. I'm missing an iPod filled with Celine Dion's greatest hits. Always, Joseph <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2012-01-04T13:45:10-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2783430662.html Dolores Park around noon - m4w text Wanna break my Star Wars cherry? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/2778342076.html Yes, it's true, I've never seen "Star Wars." I was 14 years old when the original came out (you do the math) and somehow I never managed to see it, or any of the sequels. It's time. I'm ready to hand in my Star Wars V-card. I know this might seem like pretty hot stuff to some of you, introducing a Star Wars virgin to the film that shaped you into the person that you are, developed your sense of virtue and cultivated your concepts of right and wrong. Imagine how hot will it be to sit next to me as I experience -- for the first time! -- the foundation upon which you've not only built your entire personality, but with which you've cultivated the purpose of your heart and the direction of your soul. It will be no less than miraculous, I'm sure. A spiritual epiphany. This is a one-time offer. I mean, once it's busted, there's no getting my Star Wars cherry back, ya know? So I want it to be good. I want my first time to be memorable. Special. I want the build-up, the excitement, the breathless anticipation, all of it. I want you to tease me with your superior Star Wars wisdom until I'm begging you to please please PLEASE put it in, put it in!! Put the DVD in the player and start the movie! I want you to hold my hand as I submit for the first time to the marvel and wonder of this grand event. I might even be okay with some costumes and role playing before the movie starts, but I'd have to be really comfortable with you. Size matters (no matter what they tell you), so obscenely large screens to the front of the line, and surround sound is a must. So how about it? Do you think you are the one to cure me of my Star Wars purity? Tell me why. **Please note this is NOT an offer or request for any sort of sexual activity but I probably won't want to see you again, which is why I consider this a casual encounter.** <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2012-01-01T16:47:58-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/2778342076.html Wanna break my Star Wars cherry? text Certified Pre-Owned Cat *** Orange Tabby http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/2770158609.html Great for the holiday season, this 2005 Fat Cat is on special this month. Featuring a beautiful mango orange color scheme with neon carrot racing stripes, this one has plenty of miles left on the odometer. In fact, this particular Cat was stored entirely indoors, and has no more than a half mile or so on the odometer. This model is very low maintenance and purrs like a kitten. This Orange Tabby was recently given a full 152-point inspection by a local kitty mechanic and has been certified to be in like-new condition! This baby is fully loaded! One bed, some food, bowls, and all the tools you'll need are included! This month we are running a special for all qualified buyers, no money down, no payments ever! You can drive him home for the low-low price of a donation to the Oregon Humane Society, in any amount you like, preferably in the form of a check made out to Oregon Humane. Call now to schedule your test drive! <ul> <li> Location: Downtown Portland</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> <table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5L45V25F63K43Ge3F9bcq68f0473617911412.jpg" alt="image 0"></td> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5G45H85M73Kf3Id3H1bcq062761a42aa512aa.jpg" alt="image 1"></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5N45Lb5H83Ke3Fb3Ndbcqf7f7d3cb32831ada.jpg" alt="image 2"></td> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5Ia5Ld5J63K83Fd3N9bcq92cd8c5a4aa01177.jpg" alt="image 3"></td> </tr> </table> robot@craigslist.org 2011-12-26T19:26:29-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/2770158609.html Certified Pre-Owned Cat *** Orange Tabby text super mario sex - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ott/2764832533.html i know this is super fuckin weird, but what is craigslist for if not freaky ass sex fantasies. i want to fuck super mario. i want a guy to wear overalls, a red shirt and hat and fuck me hard (while occasionally saying the catchphrases like 'letsa go!' and 'mamma mia'). i guess to look the part it would be wicked if you had dark hair. you have to leave your costume on during the whole encounter. if you're really into it, i can wear a pink dress and pretend to be princess peach. any takers for my weird fetish? ill be in ottawa this weekend WA-HOO! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-12-21T22:35:39-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ott/2764832533.html super mario sex - w4m text You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/2753915764.html Hey there, Emily? We met last Friday morning. Well, maybe "met" isn't the right word. I believe the first thing you said to me was, "Who the FUCK are you?" That's a funny thing to say to a guy after wandering into his apartment, passing out in his bed, and accosting him wearing nothing but a bed sheet (your own, might I add) the next morning. Before I get too far, know that I'm not mad. Actually, I think you were pretty funny. And apparently, cute. I was, however, hungover as all hell, lying horizontally on the living room couch. Why on the couch? Well, that's where I chose to sleep (I know, weird concept) after crawling into what I mistakenly thought was my empty bed at 4am. Laying down in my bed meant risking waking you up. Which would have ended in one of two ways, 1) the worst horror movie ever or 2) possibly the greatest porno ever. I didn't like my odds. Couch it was. Truth is, I already have a situation. A good situation, even though "my situation" lives in another state. It's so good, in fact, "my situation" laughed her ass off this morning when I told her that one story about a random naked girl waking up in my bed. I believe you happened to mentioned your own situation, too. Only your situation, based solely on last night (and the tacky pattern on his [I assume] bed sheets)) doesn't sound like a great situation. That said, it won't work with us. Sorry (it's not you, it's me and my over-use of parentheses). But I have a roommate, and I think he'd be a better "situation" for you. He has nice sheets and locks his door from the inside (looking out for your safety). He also had a better look at you this morning, and seemed to like what he saw despite you tip-toeing down the hall while simultaneously skyrocketing to the top of the walk of shame power rankings. So, yeah. Let me know. I can arrange something, or you could just stop by. I guess you already know where to find him. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-12-14T23:07:34-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/2753915764.html You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w text Dear Attractive Women's Union: - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/2727869752.html Dear Attractive Women's Union: i understand, and without hesitation, accept, your official letter of exile to spend the rest of my life in "Lonelytown." in accordance with your rules, i have deleted my OkCupid account and will no longer write long Facebook posts about how bitter i am that women aren't interested in a scrawny writer who suffers from a history of sexual abuse and doesn't make up for it by playing guitar in a shitty band or tattoos. i will also no longer piss and moan about being stood up and ignored in favor of men with arms as big as my neck, who drive cars that cost more than my internal organs. i have, at long last, accepted that a career as a cartoonist and a writer is a lifelong commitment to celibacy. i accept that, indeed, "confidence" is supposedly the trait considered most desirable in men as they approach members of the opposite sex, which is a trait that was never bestowed upon me from my upbringing nor earned from a life in poverty. i am, in a sense, confident that i am completely un-confident. and so it is without hesitation that i will, postehaste, pack up my limited belongings and board the next Lonelybus to Lonelytown, where i will spend my days rotting in solitude next to the LARPers, "Bronies," and video game reviewers of the world. perhaps this exile will allow me the time i need to perfect my craft, and allow me the chance to write and create the works of art i aspire to make, without the constant distraction of feeling sexually and socially inadequate, as i approach the age wherein my friends get engaged or married or promiscuous or any combination thereof. in accordance with the exile, enclosed you will find an urn containing the charred ashes of my penis, which was offered unto The Dragon of Solitude to be burned under the supervision of The Wizard of Low Self-Esteem, as per your instructions. also, as a token of my thanks, you will find enclosed a 25 dollar Target gift card. i will begin my exile first thing tomorrow morning. if there are any errors in the paperwork, please respond before dawn, as i will be busy deleting my vast array of pornography before my departure. respectfully, --brian <ul> <li> Location: who cares</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-11-29T21:42:47-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/2727869752.html Dear Attractive Women's Union: - m4w text WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2703020265.html Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don't really want a girlfriend. I just want one for the holidays. Let's recognize something. The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others' parents houses, blahblahbarf. Let's recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don't want to be alone for the holidays. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let's also recognize that it's getting fucking cold here), and someone to accompany you to your friends' coupley holiday parties so they don't keep thinking you're a loser destined for permanent solo status. But, you've spent all year working on your career / training for charity bike rides / getting drunk and haven't had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend. And even if you did, you're not really sure you'd want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyway. The solution: Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays. How it works: You reply with a picture and a brief bio (250 words max. To give you an idea, this posting is 499). If it seems like a good fit we'll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). If that's a success and we're both feeling it, we'll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call). The benefits: • You have someone to keep you company on these witch-tit-cold San Francisco nights. Did I mention I'm an excellent cuddler? (I have references.) • I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you're an omnivore, you win. • Having done it professionally for some years to pay for school, I know my way around a bar. Same goes for wine cellars and beer coolers. Homemade winter warmers? Done. • Hate holiday music? Me too. Seeing as every other establishment or event you step into will be playing it, I'll spare you the excess. • Love taking photos? Sweet. Let's wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz. • Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year's Eve who doesn't look (or sound) like Sloth's cousin? Boom! Got you covered. About Me: 28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes. Not About You (aka Dealbreakers or, Don't Bother if You Exhibit the Following): Heavy drug use, laziness, prudishness, still in love with old boy or girlfriend from years past (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it). Interested? Then send your pic and bio and get this ball rolling. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-11-14T20:10:59-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2703020265.html WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend text Big Nasty Couch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/2698858103.html This is the couch someone found on the side of the road. It's the couch that required four people to get into the truck, and two people to sit in the back and make sure it didn't fall off. It's the couch that left a scratch on the door frame because it hardly fit through, heck they had to take the door frame off to fit the dang thing through. They never put it back. They plopped the BNC in front of their TV and invited 16 people over and all of them fit. When they moved, they tried to sell the couch for eight dollars. No one would buy it, so they put it out for free. That's when we found it and claimed it for our own. We've found things in here that we've never owned: remotes, peanuts, quarters, small animal skulls. Who knows what treasures we've left for you to unearth? If you're lucky, you may find a whole cat. Anyone who looks at the BNC can see it's no stranger to fornication. It couldn't be. Its four feet of depth and eight feet of length are solid couch-y goodness. You can't blame a body. The BNC was built for macking. And if you think so too, you're surely in 2 decades of good company. Maybe this couch has seen better days. Or then again, maybe it hasn't. The BNC is like a fine wine, getting better with age. Think of it as the compost bin of the furniture realm. It's where you dump your laundry, your bags, yourself at the end of a long day. You let it swallow you whole and you emerge humbled, softened, earthy smelling, like a rich humus. You sit on the BNC, and you are better for it. So, it's not our nicest piece of furniture? Well, it's definitely the biggest. Do you have to pay for the BNC? No! The BNC is free. In fact, since we are all about full service, your first bout of BNC entertainment is included: we'll hide some spare change in the cushions and you can look for it. Gloves recommended. Can you handle a Big Nasty Couch? Well, come and get it already. Big Nasty Transportation not included. Seriously, bring a big truck. <ul> <li> Location: South Eugene/LCC</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> <table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5Y25V55S53m53p73o7bbc982a2978518516ce.jpg" alt="image 0"></td> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/5V45U65P03o03p43l7bbc8ac60a3d18ef1d54.jpg" alt="image 1"></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> </table> robot@craigslist.org 2011-11-12T10:53:12-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/2698858103.html Big Nasty Couch text Are You a Ghost Surfing the Web? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/2656912395.html Documentary style program is looking to contact a ghost on the internet. If you are DEAD and reading this, please respond! What is your name? How did you pass away? Why are you surfing the internet? <ul> <li> Location: Nationwide <li> Compensation: TBD <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-10-18T19:10:32-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/2656912395.html Are You a Ghost Surfing the Web? text Yoga mat for sale. Used once. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2597736393.html Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows: 11:45a Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself. 11:55a Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date. 11:57a I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her. 11:58a The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancÃ©e may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning. 11:59a Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us. 12:00p Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed. 12:02p Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class. 12:10p It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.) 12:26p It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond. 12:33p It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on. 12:40p The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him. 12:44p I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish. 12:52p It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see. 12:55p This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok? 1:01p 140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat! 1:09p 150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness. 1:15p I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out. 1:17p I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok? 1:20p It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something? 1:30p Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up. 1:34p My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door. 1:37p The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring. 1:47p Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir. 3:47p Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body. 4:29p Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am. <ul> <li> Location: Bellevue <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/3k03m03p25Q55U65S4b9de25563639b081f04.jpg" alt="image 0"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> </table> robot@craigslist.org 2011-09-13T22:32:00-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2597736393.html Yoga mat for sale. Used once. text guy with skid mark, bought gallon of whole milk, circle k - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pns/2554529273.html i was in my bikini at the circle k, you came in with your short shirt and your bike shorts on. they were white and you had a pretty sexy skid mark staining your behind. you got 11 sticks of beef jerky and a gallon of whole milk, then rode off on your bicycle. i will know its you because you paid in pennies. <ul> <li> Location: pensacola, fl <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-08-19T00:27:48-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pns/2554529273.html guy with skid mark, bought gallon of whole milk, circle k - w4m text Best. Roommate. Ever. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2549849730.html Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist. Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub. A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off. I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU! Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA! A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right? I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already! Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money. <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-08-16T10:06:59-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2549849730.html Best. Roommate. Ever. text Coffee Table of the Gods http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/2505248081.html This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie. As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity. Qualities of the table: -Carpeted -Mirrored -The muthertrucker spins -Doesn't have any weird splotches under black lights Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity. The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White. <ul> <li> Location: Minneapolis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <table summary="craigslist hosted images"> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/3nc3mb3p85Z05Q25X3b7k31aacf9d9f8f1672.jpg" alt="image 0"></td> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/3n33m63l45O45V15S3b7kbacad2f290851774.jpg" alt="image 1"></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"><img src="http://images.craigslist.org/3nd3k93l25V15X45S3b7kee7da1afd30e1dbb.jpg" alt="image 2"></td> <td align="center"></td> </tr> </table> robot@craigslist.org 2011-07-21T01:18:50-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/2505248081.html Coffee Table of the Gods text Jedi Needed To Induce Labor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wma/2442771514.html I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go. I was hoping that tonight's full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus. I'm looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better. If you are a master in the way's of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you! <ul> <li> Location: Springfield, MA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Used Light Saber </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-06-15T17:35:53-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wma/2442771514.html Jedi Needed To Induce Labor text UGLY MEAN CAT-----FREE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/2434325556.html LOU IS A MEAN CAT. SHE WILL PROBABLY BITE AND SCRATCH YOU. SHE WILL PEE ON YOUR CARPET. SHE WILL NOT GO OUT OF HOUSE. SHE IS SPAYED. SHE HAS TO GO TO NEW OWNERS. <ul> <li> Location: BANNING <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-06-11T09:50:52-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/2434325556.html UGLY MEAN CAT-----FREE text Lonely pile of dirt needs a home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/2416442957.html I am a lonely pile of dirt who needs a new home. I am a loyal pile of dirt and will not run away or crap in your neighbors yard. I am very easy to get along with and you can walk all over me. I just need a hole to live in. Or I am happy to just spread out over your yard. Whatever. Please come pick me up at xxxxxxxxxxxxx My owner will remove the ad as soon as I find a new home. Update June 2 @ 10:14PM I am still here.... <ul> <li> Location: Grapevine <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-06-02T08:58:17-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/2416442957.html Lonely pile of dirt needs a home text Jogging Partner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/2405055624.html I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape. I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don't know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you're capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee. <ul> <li> Location: Des Moines, IA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-26T21:09:13-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/2405055624.html Jogging Partner text Lost your teeth? They're poolside http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2385615825.html Did you happen to lose your teeth while cavorting in the pool, or perhaps you took them out and put them poolside as you did laps and forgot to pick them back up when you were done? Well, they're waiting for you next to the POOL'S STAIRS where you DISGUSTINGLY LEFT THEM (unless you dropped them into the pool and some kids found them, thinking they were treasure...boy were they wrong). Since there are so many old people in this complex, I have no idea whose dentures these are...I'm not about to touch them except to kick them out onto the street (or maybe back into the deep end of the pool) if they're still there tomorrow. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS. Come on people, this is just N-A-S-T-Y. <ul> <li> Location: Elm and Whitworth, Beverly Hills <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-16T20:53:18-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2385615825.html Lost your teeth? They're poolside text Naked on the 6 train: - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/2374092584.html You were naked on the six train screaming racial slurs. I was holding a cell phone and filming every moment of your beautiful insanity. For a moment I was sure you locked eyes with me (albeit crazy eyes). You asked me to "get off this fucking train" with you at Hunts Point Avenue, before removing the final shred of your clothing for me and unveiling your beautiful body. I did, but the cops carted you away before I had a chance to say anything. Now I'M crazy thinking about you. I love how body confident you are and I wish I'd said something sooner. Get in touch, I could pay your bail and we could talk equality politics and get naked on any train you want. Maybe you could even turn me on to your acid dealer. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-10T21:59:07-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/2374092584.html Naked on the 6 train: - m4m text Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 - m4mw http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oma/2372505317.html I am an atheist seeking friends who are pious and who will be wisked away for the rapture that kirk cameron says is coming may 22nd 2011. I will take care of your pets while you are gone. I am a very kind and loving person who loves animals. Also i get to keep all your stuff because you won't need them as you will be in rapturous bliss basking in the love of the great creator. I, however, will need your stuff since I will be trapped here on earth with all the rest of the unclean, deniers, and cravens. I will probably try to barter all your worldly possessions for guns or food or maybe women. Unless you have a truck and a cowcatcher. I will keep those and make a killmobile which will greatly increase my chances for survival in a world with no rules and no god. no weirdos please. <ul> <li> Location: midtown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-10T07:43:40-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/oma/2372505317.html Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 - m4mw text Manhood Camping http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/2370048082.html Manhood Camping Firequest. Lookin' for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don't want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don't even think this is a sex thing, it's all about manhood. Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests. THIS IS NOT A SEX THING. Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don't want to be slowed down by fools: - must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home - Ed Hardy camping gear, it's really good gear and it's awesome - desire to be a man among men - not afraid to wield a blade - crystal, I'm not sharing mine - must be able to make a fire - gloves - a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus) - knowledge of modern music - protective/splash resistant eye wear - 5 - 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I'm bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback's The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I'll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin'. Dont' want to see" - bad attitudes - gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY. - cock rings, can't keep it up w/o help, you aren't gonna make it on this quest - firearms, there's gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up - the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood. If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I'm serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric. Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there. 100% SERIOUS, NO FAKERS <ul> <li> Location: Aqua Caliente <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-08T19:35:56-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/2370048082.html Manhood Camping text What is happening to people? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/2368807117.html Let me preface by saying I've never posted anything on this section or any other section of Craigslist but I'm feeling very compelled to do so right now. I just got back from a trip to Wegmans and am in awe at the current state/behaivor/mindset of "people". As I'm walking in, I go to grab a cart and notice three guys (late teens/early 20's) all standing together but on their cell phones texting and blocking the majortiy of carts. So I sidestep them and grab a cart from the sole lane they weren't blocking. I get my cart and proceed but I can't help but notice the people lined up to return bottles/cans. I'm not knocking them (I'm pro-recycle) but it looked like they literally crawled out of a dumpster and needed the deposit money to get through the night. I asked myself "why don't they just stop consuming this sugarwater and use the money for a necessity?" Then I realized Coke and Pepsi are a necessity for the majority of people in this country. I should also point out that each one was overweight (if not obese). I get inside and start doing some shopping. The procuce section was the most "normal". I grabbed some apples, a few bananas, and some strawberries since it's that time of year. As I left the produce section, it started getting depressing. I see a kid poking his finger through a package of ground beef and laughing his cute little head off. I don't blame the kid (I did that once too when I was his age but my mother grabbed my hand and basically let me know if it ever happened again, I'd lose my hand). However, I DO blame his mother for not caring the least about her son destroying multiple packs of meat. She was actually entertained by his behaivor. So I grabbed some chicken breast and continued on. As I'm passing the "organic food" section, I hear two guys laughing hysterically so I walk back a few steps to see if George Carlin had risen from the dead doing one of his stand-up acts. Nope...wasn't him. The two guys were "tickling" each other. In laymans terms, they were a couple of gay guys. I'm not anti-gay, but it was just weird watching them be so flamoyant in public. Being "out" seems to be the "in" these days. I get to the cereal isle and see a guy pushing around one of those carts that resembles a car for the kids to sit in. His gf/wife was about 10 feet away yelling out loudly which cereal he wanted. He had his back turned to her pushing the cart the opposite direction with the two kids screaming their heads off as he's looking at his cell phone. I stop at this point waiting for him to pass me but he's in the middle of the isle and knocks into my cart. One of the kids then throws a canned fruit. The guy stops looking at his phone and gives me this annoyed look as if it's my fault im in his lane. A fuse started to light up inside me. As he starts to move his cart back to the right side of the lane, I throw my shoulder into him and knock him off balance. He says "hey" but in a very non-threatening way, so I glace back and he looks away. His overweight gf didn't seem too pleased with me. I grabbed some Wegmans brand cereal with almonds (it's really good). On to the next isle to get some pasta and sauce. I see a mom that resembles my math teacher in high school. Is it her? Can't be...nope, wasn't her but I instantly smile since I was very fond of my math teacher. She smiles back. Her daughter was next to her..I'd say she was 15 or 16. Lip peirced, glazed eyes, and of course TEXTING. The whole time, this girl is rolling her eyes and being dramatic. About what? Who knows. Most likely something to do with a text. I glance at her and she glances back at me really quickly and then looks back at her cell phone. For that split second when I was able to see her eyes, I felt a weight on my shoulders. This girl, along with the majority of people in the store, had severe mental issues. What happened to these people? Is it the fluoridated tap water? The anti-depression medications? The fast food consumed on a daily basis? The chemicals in diet sodas and chewing gum? The constant need for people to feel "connected" by using a cell phone but really aren't connected to anything? Movies? Music? Reality televison? Lately, the majority of people I see look dead inside. Battered...beaten...tormented. SLAVES. I then ask myself, "What will these people do when civil unrest and social breakdowns occur in the not so distant future? It's going to be an ugly sight. Well, thank you for reading my thoughts (for anyone that made it to the end). Just the ramblings of a 30 year old male who's losing hope on "people". <ul> <li> Location: Everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-05-08T00:49:17-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/2368807117.html What is happening to people? text Free Kool-Aid Costume http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pia/2349867638.html This is a hand made Kool-Aid Costume. It is has a framework of over 100 ft of PVC and CPVC pipe and is approximately 40" in diameters. It was built as part of an elaborate prank to bust through a wall. Unfortunately due to its large size it had to be cut in half to be taken out of my basement. But a little bit of duct tape and spray paint will have him as good as new in no time! <ul> <li> Location: Peoria <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-04-27T16:46:25-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pia/2349867638.html Free Kool-Aid Costume text Need Help With A Duck http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2313920928.html I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck - thats the short story I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year. She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean. Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears. Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office..... Is there an online dating service for ducks? Hey I've heard them all. Lemme know.... Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious :) **************** UPDATE ****************** Thank you Craigslist people who have sent me a link to plentyofduck I probably misrepresented the hen as well... in heat or something..... (SORRY HEN) Well, of course it took about 2 minutes to find a greenhead and they are a happy couple.. See Pic #2 Now.. I'm changing gears... I'm having a fundraiser so that they can get a room... and do what they are doing now..... not in my pool........... If you STILL want to relocate the ducks, they need a honeymoon suite..... somewhere else... Glad someone (something) is making the best of this warm evening THIS IS NOT A JOKE !!!!!!!!! ************* LAST UPDATE ****************** WOW ...... this went way out of hand... NO I WILL NOT MAKE A PORN DUCK SITE!!!!!!!!!!! You Craigslist >>>&^&&^%&% ... people scare me.... read a book or something <ul> <li> Location: NE GR <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-04-08T20:17:21-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2313920928.html Need Help With A Duck text Autographed Copy of the Bible http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wyo/2307315380.html I've read it three times. Pretty boring. <ul> <li> Location: Cheyenne <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-04-05T14:14:58-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wyo/2307315380.html Autographed Copy of the Bible text Large Cat Statue http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/htf/2288729704.html Large Cat Statue made of porcelain and is white in color it is 8 feet tall and about 5 feet wide. The reason I am giving this away is because some neighborhood vandals have painted a rather large penis on the front of it. Email me if you are interested. <ul> <li> Location: Portland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-03-26T21:56:45-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/htf/2288729704.html Large Cat Statue text Vegetarian Only - t4t http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/2273665916.html First of all, I should clarify...this might be an ad that is of interest to someone who is NOT a vegetarian- specifically, I expect it to appeal more TO a vegetarian than say, someone who enjoys meat- meat eaters are not to be excluded. Here's the scoop. Attractive, anatomically interesting carrot is seeking someone to "appreciate" same. you should know right away from that last sentence if this is something that turns you on or not- so I invite you to stop reading now if you think this might not be your thing. If you're still reading, I'll assume that your interest is piqued, and that you're the kind of person who has an open mind, and might be interested in exploring vegetbles as more than a basic food group, and something worthy of more "special" attention. My carrot wants to meet you if you are: -respectful of yourself and root vegetables. Non smokers and fatties need not apply. -open to the possibility of taking deep pleasure in healthy foods -into gardening a plus! - fond of the color orange - not a rabbit/ rabbit owner (you might be surprised by how sick some people are...) turn offs: veggie peelers stir fry utensils rabbits (naturally.) take a look and see if we might be able to make a connection. <ul> <li> Location: L-Town <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-03-18T23:44:00-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/2273665916.html Vegetarian Only - t4t text Girlfriend says, my lab must go http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tal/2265648301.html New girlfriend is not a fan of my 8 year old lab, and says i need to make a craigslist add to find him a good home.....so here you go honey Free to good home 1 jealous nagging dog hating girlfriend make an offer or look in the free section if she keeps it up and gets kicked to the curb <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-03-14T19:04:56-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tal/2265648301.html Girlfriend says, my lab must go text New Government http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cai/2185674242.html We are looking to replace the government of Egypt. Please submit your resume for this exciting opportunity to serve under our great leader Mubarak! Required Skills: - Restoring order - Talent for hollow platitudes and self deception - Willing to wear blinders at all times - Ability to swiftly say the word "yes" to any and all requests - Experience handing tear gas launchers and shotguns Salary and compensation contingent on experience and brown nosing. All new hires are given free government issue blinders! Interviewees are recommended to come prepared for the interview by wearing running shoes and fire resistant clothing… just in case. <ul> <li> Location: Cairo <li> Compensation: Salary and compensation contingent on experience and brown nosing. All new hires are given free government issue blinders! <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-01-29T01:35:34+02:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cai/2185674242.html New Government text Free Cello http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2111720687.html So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that. She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours. If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something. I'm 90% certain the bow's in there. <ul> <li> Location: Echo Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-12-13T19:32:49-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/2111720687.html Free Cello text Ninja Repellent/Entertainment center http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/app/2043517078.html What, dear Reader makes my Entertainment Center so much more special than others? Aside from the faux wood grain and authentic faux granite looking "stuff" that coats the main section, I tell you that it is an amazing piece of furniture. It does not slice, dice or julienne, but it does have one amazing feature: It acts as Ninja repellent. Take a look at the photos. Go on, look. Not one ninja anywhere. Those pesky ninjas are always in the bushes, trying to assassinate you? Then this my friend is the the furniture for you. Oh, but I hear your argument already, they are *ninjas*, they would not show up on film. Well I used a high speed camera and at the time there was minimal cloud cover, so I think its safe to say that if anyone could capture the fleeting essence of a ninja mid-attack, its my little nikon coolpix. But I digress. After attaining this Center and installing it within the confines of your home you can breathe a weary sigh of contentment as you can watch the ninjas curse at you from the outside as you revel in the unending Snorks vs. Smurfs marathon you have been dying to hold. Where at its conclusion you can stand, turn to like Russel Crowe as Maximus the Roman gladiator and scream at the unwashed and fetid masses "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????" Let me know, I will even help load it. Good luck, first come, first safe from ninjas. <ul> <li> Location: Oshkosh-PICKED UP-THANKS <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-11-05T08:54:52-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/app/2043517078.html Ninja Repellent/Entertainment center text Free 17' Canoe ** NOT seaworthy** http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1986002742.html **NOT SEAWORTHY** Great for kids sandbox **NOT SEAWORTHY** Ideal for Flowerbed **NOT SEAWORTHY** Cool for decoration **NOT SEAWORTHY** Cracked outer hull, degraded beyond repair **NOT SEAWORTHY** Don't put anyone, but your Ex-Wife, in this canoe. It will sink. We will help you load it. <ul> <li> Location: SE Lents <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-10-02T19:04:30-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1986002742.html Free 17' Canoe ** NOT seaworthy** text Bus boyfriend..I want to smell you again http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1985552272.html This was months ago. April, maybe May. We only rode the bus together three times, only two times sitting together. The second I saw you, I smiled brightly, because you looked so nice. You were getting on the number 11 at the Lake Washington bus stop, at 9:35 on a Wednesday, heading downtown. You were one of the few people getting on the bus who had not immediately put out a cigarette or a crack pipe. You looked like the average super-casual tech worker or student. You saw me smiling at you, and your face sort of lit up. You had a soul-patch-triangle-hairy-thing under your bottom lip, which I will normally not tolerate on white men, but you made it work. You wore drab grayish-blue clothes that were slightly baggy. I had chin-length brown hair and cute sunglasses. I was holding a cup of coffee that, true to Starbucks tradition, kept spouting forth like a caffeinated geyser from the tiny sippy hole in the top, scalding my hands as I attempted in vain to dry off with a flimsy recycled paper napkin. You sat next to me. There was genuine sexual tension, which is rare in Seattle, and even rarer on the bus. You smelled REALLY, REALLY good. I didn't make eye contact, although I took off my sunglasses so that you wouldn't think I looked like a spy. I might have turned down my Shuffle so you wouldn't know that I was listening to Mr. Mister. I didn't make conversation. I just smelled you the whole way downtown. What was that glorious smell? It wasn't colonge. I have bought colonge for men before, and they don't make men's cologne that smells like this. Was it soap? Laundry detergent? A particularly wonderful brand of fabric softener and/or dryer sheet? I have searched in vain for the scent since meeting you. I want to douse the rest of the bus riders with it. Hell, I'd spray it all over my Shih Tzu if I could distill it. It was sweet, soft, but not girly. It was clean but not chlorine-y. The next Wednesday, you got on the bus, and you sat next to me. Deliberately. There were dozens of empty seats on the bus, but you chose to sit down next to me. I blushed. You blushed. You smelled even better. You took out a book and pretended to read it. That book everyone is reading, The Kite Flyer or the Flying Kite or something by someone with an Iranian/Afghani/Middle Eastern name. Khaled. Ahmed. Whatever. I nervously asked you about the book. I think I made a really stupid comment about how I can't read on the bus because I get car sick. This must have turned you on. You tried to explain the plot of the book, and you spoke very slowly and not particularly lucidly, in direct contrast to my high-pitched but enunciated prattling. It was clear, probably to both of us, but certainly to me, that we were not romantically suited for each other. Nor was there any intellectual chemistry. It was clear as crystal. I had at the time, and still have to this day, a boyfriend that I really love. Chances are, you have a girlfriend who rocks your world. I didn't want to do anything to mess that up. I actually went home and told my boyfriend about you. I called you my Bus Boyfriend. I normally don't tell my boyfriend about random men who want to hit on me but who, true to the Seattle way of life, don't bother. But I told him about you because I wanted him to be aware that other, completely random men occasionally want to be physically close to me, because this is something that even jealous boyfriends are often prone to forgetting. You probably know, Bus Boyfriend, what it's like when you're with a girl for a couple years. If you know she's faithful, you start thinking, "Hey, I'm the only one who has access to this poon..." Then you start thinking, "Hey, no one else really thinks about this woman but me." My boyfriend took notice when I told him about you; he felt the slight threat that was implicit in our public transportation liaisons, as incredibly platonic as they may have been. He fucked me really hard for a couple of weeks, realizing that he was damn fortunate to have access to this poon. The last Wednesday I saw you, I noticed you too late. It was a bad morning for me, Bus Boyfriend. I arrived at the bus stop before having that necessary first cup of coffee. The weather was foggy. So was my brain. You got on the bus, and chances are you looked to see if our eyes would meet, because I felt a pair of eyes burning a whole in the side of my face. By the time I was jolted out of my reverie by your smell wafting by, you had passed by and had seated yourself farther back. For one entire stop I contemplated getting up and sitting next to you. Then a gigantic man with an apparent allergy to soap wedged me in against the window, and it was all I could do to keep from straining my neck while looking back at you and hoping that you would at least get up and stand behind me, so I could smell something besides the 300-pound armpit pushing up against my cheek. Then, after that, nothing. I never saw you on the bus again. I never got to inhale your pleasant scent again (Tide? Cheer? Bounce? Something from Trader Joe's?). I smelled a variety of other, less desirable scents that other passengers had coated themselves in - urine, B.O., cigar smoke, booze-breath, copious amounts of Chanel 5 - sometimes individuallly, occasionally all at once. Do you KNOW how many people are drunk when they get on the bus, Bus Boyfriend? On the number 11 through downtown Seattle, 10% of the passengers are intoxicated, and they smell like it. And they sit next to me, Bus Boyfriend. Like you used to sit, only significanly closer and with more chutzpah and less shame. Besides drunks, I have had the honor of sitting next to bitchy little teenage gay guys who lisp loudly into their cell phones. Old ladies with whooping cough. Girls who can be no older than 12, dressed like complete mini-whores, who put their Vans-clad feet up on the back of the seat in front of them. Children whose faces are completely obscured by snot. Young white men who think they are big black men, and attempt to speak "jive" ("Yo, yo, yo, man - that mah SHIT!"). iPod-wearing business men with long, long legs and a clear disgust for the fact that I have the nerve to take up exactly 50% of the bench seating. Bus Boyfriend, where have you gone? Please return to remove me from this misery! I don't want you sexually. Hell, I don't even want to talk to you - you can't even discuss the main storyline of a popular novel and you probably don't want to know any more detail about my inner ear and motion sickness. I just want to feel that odd tension again. And I want to smell you. You were my bus sachet, my ego-boosting little bowl of potpourri. Please come back. When you were around, no crackhead could touch me. Due to the ever-so-slight threat that your presence created, my boyfriend nailed me more often and more sincerely than any other time. You made transportation tolerable, you improved my love life. If you got a job on the East Side, I forgive you. If you graduated from the UW, I congratulate you. But if you bought a car and now drive yourself downtown, shame on you! Shame! Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel. Especially on the bus. Without my Bus Boyfriend. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-10-02T13:12:20-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1985552272.html Bus boyfriend..I want to smell you again text STOP Waiting for Grandma to Die! 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/buf/1984556046.html STOP Waiting for your Grandma to die so you can have her car! Buy this one and have a real old-lady car of your own. Let's go over some of the details about this fine auto, which STARTS, RUNS, and DRIVES. *1987 Cutlass Sierra * 30,248 Original MILES. I know you've heard it a million times, but this car has really only been driven to church and the grocery store, and the cemetery-- Old people LOVE to go to the cemetery. It is believed that this car traveled as far as West Seneca for a funeral once. *As an old lady car, this Olds had the privilege of getting ROUTINE MAINTENANCE. Most recently the car got new tires (whitewalls out of course!) and a new battery. The new tires could possibly have 1000 miles on them, which means that they are pretty new. It's also up to date on its inspections, shots and vaccines. *The body is in DECENT SHAPE for a car that has lived through 23 Buffalo winters. The color is Navy Blue. There is rust at all of the wheel wells; some worse than others. There are some BATTLE SCARS on the body from lost fights with a white vinyl sided home, mostly on the passenger side. *Grandma is NOT A SMOKER, and had no friends that smoked. Lets be honest here, most of her friends are dead anyways, which brings me to my next point: *The passenger seat and back bench seat are virtually untouched. I sat in the back seat once or twice, probably for a trip to the cemetery. *The trunk is large enough for at least two bodies. Dark Body color is good for late night trips to Niagara River. *This vehicle comes with a 100% working AM RADIO, and a motorized (working) antenna. Don't forget to lower your antenna for Delta Sonic! *FREE SNOWBRUSH WITH PURCHASE. AND if it seals the deal, a vintage Buffalo Bisons sunshade for the windshield. **Nitty Gritty Stuff** We will accept CASH ONLY. We are accepting other offers for this car. <ul> <li> Location: Buffalo (Elmwood) <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-10-02T00:12:37-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/buf/1984556046.html STOP Waiting for Grandma to Die! 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra text hipster tires http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tal/1984502593.html oh snap this a hella good deal we got hipster tires off the chain they red and yellow as fuck front ones look like new but back ones has a few skids in them because we don't has no breaks because we so raw but you can use them for like a jillion thousand miles use these rubbahs for anything you need besides birth control they so raw oh snap I be holding them right now you need this shit it says they are 700cm but that doesn't make any god damn sense because they aren't 23 feet in diameter so some bitch is lying to us but they are 25 mm wide so they roll faster than all yo bitch asses on ecstasy brand is innova and they so fresh because they so colorful they hurt your eyes to look at 15 dolla or best offer for a pair, we got one pair in red and one in yellow hot damn get em while they in season. <ul> <li> Location: campus <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-10-01T23:09:52-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tal/1984502593.html hipster tires text Time Travel http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bzn/1971141280.html I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me. I'm looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting. I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business. If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm. We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me. <ul> <li> Location: Bozeman, MT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-09-24T10:09:35-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bzn/1971141280.html Time Travel text Free, currently unused Urn http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1968562911.html I currently have an empty Urn for free. Had containded my pet dog Dino, but my cat Felix got suspicious, and Dino, well you know, fell. The Urn is still nice enough for another loved pet, or a mother-in-law, or relative of similar likings. Email me for a pickup time and place. Thanks, Josh. <ul> <li> Location: Hampton <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-09-22T21:39:32-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1968562911.html Free, currently unused Urn text 911** Chevy van stolen from storage shed! REALLY PISSED! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1965721396.html 1986 Chevy conversion van stolen from my shed in Springfield on Sunday. DESCRIPTION: dark grey color, side and back rear windows covered in silver duck tape, and sprayed over with black spray paint. **I was planning on turning it into bus for my church, that's why the windows look like that. people know me would back me up on that so I'm not worried about it. VERY PERSONAL private, personal items inside 1- two sets of police-style handcuffs... very valuable. steel locks. I have the key ,so you can't use them anyway, I would really love to have these back for sentimentel reasons. 2- There might also be some old magazines too maybe, but they aren't mine. My neighbor asked me to store them inside of my van so his wife wouldn'tcatch him looking at them, they are not mine, but I would like them back so he doesn't get in any kind of trouble for looking at that sort of thing. We all sin, but god knows our heart! (corinthians 5-17) **There is some home-made like VCR tapes too that aren't mine. believe me, I go to church all the time, and people who know me will tell you that I would NEVER look at stuff like that, but it would be real nice if I could just return them to their rightful owner so people don't think I look at crap like that. God knows that I don't and that's what's important. Please let me know if you have seen this vehicle!! This really hurt my plans for the weekend any information would be appreciated! God Bless! <ul> <li> Location: Springfield <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-09-21T09:52:55-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1965721396.html 911** Chevy van stolen from storage shed! REALLY PISSED! text Giving Blood - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1852440586.html You: Sitting in the donor waiting area at the Red Cross looking relaxed and cute as all get-out. Me: In the recovery area, dizzy and eating oatmeal-raisin cookies. It seemed we had some nice eye-contact, but on top of being dizzy I'm a bit shy, so I left without saying a word. Argh! You might be my type! <ul> <li> Location: Fairfax Red Cross <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-07-19T23:13:49-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1852440586.html Giving Blood - m4w text Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html The Vancouver Seawall is getting demolished and getting replaced by a new concrete retaining wall. The current wall is constructed of granite blocks. Estimated volume of blocks is approx 890m3. The blocks will be sold as is, buyer to provide trucking, we will demolish and load the material. Any reasonable offer will be accepted for the stones. To inquire please call Shaun Office @ 604-952-xxxx Cell @ 778-228-xxxx Cheers <img src=http://blog.craigslist.org/1830504092.jpg> <ul> <li> Location: Stanley Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-07-07T12:10:51-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks text Seeking bodyguard named Betty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1802444273.html I am a Paul Simon fan in my mid thirties. As my name is Al, for the past 20 years I've been searching for a friend named Betty with whom I could sing the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al." Imagine how much fun we could have singing along with the lyrics and pointing at each other when our names are mentioned! We could sing it together on road trips with the windows down, at home with our stereos cracked loud, we can smile at each other knowingly when it's played in gas stations and grocery stores and text each other when we're apart and it comes on the radio. I'm especially looking forward to acting out our own version of the classic Paul Simon Chevy Chase music video. We can post it on Youtube! Just to be clear, I'm not really looking for a bodyguard (that's a lyric from the song haha!) just a friend named Betty. If you want we could maybe sing other Paul Simon songs at some point but I'd really rather we stick with our namesakes You Can Call Me Al. Of course I want proof your name is really Betty so when we meet I'll need to see a state issued photo ID with that name. I'll also accept Elizabeth, Roberta or Beatrix. Please write back soon I can't wait to hang out Sincerely -Your long lost pal!!! <img src=http://blog.craigslist.org/1802444273.jpg> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-06-21T01:33:56-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1802444273.html Seeking bodyguard named Betty text BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity. Requirements: -access to an abandoned warehouse -old enough/built kinda awesome -maintains good eye contact -general intensity -cool moves -shades -leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish) -Bedazzler -basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me) -can lift 80 lbs -bachelor's in something or equivalent experience -not a narc Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY. P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now. "They told him don't you ever come around here Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear So beat it, just beat it" <ul> <li> Location: Philly <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="/about/best/phi/1755781713.1.jpg"> <img src="/about/best/phi/1755781713.2.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-05-23T17:13:27-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m text 1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1737878952.html Original owner, used, as-is, where-is. Currently flown 32 times (191 crews) for a total of 120,650,907 miles. Time in space, 293 days, 18 hours, 29 minutes, 37 seconds (as of STS-132). One possible mission remaining. Space Shuttle Atlantis (Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-104) is one of the three currently operational orbiters in the Space Shuttle fleet of NASA, the space agency of the United States. (The other two are Discovery and Endeavour.) Atlantis was the fourth operational shuttle built and was delivered to Kennedy Space Center in April 1985. In early 2008, NASA officials decided to keep Atlantis flying until 2010, the projected end of the shuttle program. This reversed a previous decision to retire Atlantis in 2008. History Atlantis is named after RV Atlantis, a two-masted sailing ship that operated as the primary research vessel for the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute from 1930 to 1966. The 460-ton ketch carried a crew of 17 and had room for 5 scientists. The former RV Atlantis is now commissioned as an oceanographic research vessel in the Argentine Naval Prefecture under the name Dr. Bernardo Houssay and finishing a lengthy period of restoration. Construction milestones January 29, 1979 Contract Award - Rockwell International March 30, 1980 Start structural assembly of crew module November 23, 1981 Start structural assembly of aft-fuselage June 13, 1983 Wings arrive at Palmdale from Grumman December 2, 1983 Start of final assembly April 10, 1984 Completed final assembly March 6, 1985 Rollout from Palmdale April 3, 1985 Overland transport from Palmdale to Edwards April 9, 1985 Delivery to Kennedy Space Center September 5, 1985 Flight Readiness Firing Notable missions Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on its maiden voyage on October 3, 1985, on mission STS-51-J, the second dedicated Department of Defense flight. It flew one other mission, STS-61-B, the second night launch in the shuttle program, before the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster temporarily grounded the shuttle fleet in 1986. Atlantis was used for ten flights between 1988 and 1992. Two of these, both flown in 1989, deployed the planetary probes Magellan to Venus (on STS-30) and Galileo to Jupiter (on STS-34). During another mission, STS-37 flown in 1991, Atlantis deployed the Compton Gamma Ray Observatory. Beginning in 1995 with STS-71, Atlantis made seven straight flights to the former Russian space station Mir as part of the Shuttle-Mir Program. When linked, Atlantis and Mir together formed the largest spacecraft in orbit at the time. Shuttle Atlantis has also delivered several vital components for the construction of the International Space Station (ISS). During the February 2001 mission STS-98 to the ISS, Atlantis delivered the Destiny Module, the primary operating facility for U.S. research payloads aboard the ISS. The Quest Joint Airlock, was flown and installed to the ISS by Atlantis during the mission STS-104 in July 2001. The first mission flown by Atlantis after the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster was STS-115, conducted during September 2006. The mission carried the P3/P4 truss segments and solar arrays to the ISS. On ISS assembly flight STS-122 in February 2008, Atlantis delivered the Columbus laboratory to the ISS. Columbus laboratory is the largest single contribution to the ISS made by the European Space Agency (ESA). In May 2009 Atlantis flew a 7 member crew to the Hubble Space Telescope for its Servicing Mission 4, STS-125. The mission was a success, with the crew completing five space walks to install new cameras, batteries, a gyroscope and other components to the telescope. Among the five space shuttles flown into space, Atlantis has conducted a subsequent mission in the shortest time after the previous mission when it launched in November, 1985 on STS-61-B, only 50 days after its previous mission, STS-51-J. The longest mission flown using shuttle Atlantis to date is STS-117 that lasted almost 14 days in June 2007. Atlantis is not equipped to take advantage of the Station-to-Shuttle Power Transfer System so missions cannot be extended by making use of power provided by ISS. During the STS-129 post-flight interview on 16 November, 2009 shuttle launch director Mike Leinbach said that Atlantis officially beat shuttle Discovery on the record low amount of Interim Problem Reports, with a total of just 54 listed since returning from the STS-125. He continued to add "It's due to the team and the hardware processing. They just did a great job. The record will probably never be broken again in the history of the Space Shuttle Program, so congratulations to them". Orbiter Maintenance Down Periods To date Atlantis has gone through two overhauls of scheduled Orbiter Maintenance Down Periods (OMDPs) during her operational history. Atlantis arrived at Palmdale, California in October 1992 for OMDP-1. During that visit 165 modifications were made over the next 20 months. These included the installation of a drag chute, new plumbing lines to configure the orbiter for extended duration, more than 800 new heat tiles and blankets and new insulation for main landing gear and structural mods to the airframe. On November 5, 1997, Atlantis again arrived at Palmdale for OMDP-2 which was completed on September 24, 1998. The 130 modifications carried out during OMDP-2 included glass cockpit displays, replacement of TACAN navigation with GPS and ISS airlock and docking installation. Several weight reduction modifications were also performed on the orbiter including replacement of Advanced Flexible Reusable Surface Insulation (AFRSI) insulation blankets on upper surfaces with FRSI. Moreover lightweight crew seats were installed and the Extended Duration Orbiter (EDO) package installed on OMDP-1 was removed to lighten Atlantis to better serve its prime mission of servicing the ISS. Planned decommissioning NASA had planned to withdraw Atlantis from service in 2008, as the orbiter would have been due to undergo its third scheduled OMDP. However, because of the final retirement of the shuttle fleet in 2010, this was deemed uneconomic. It was planned that Atlantis would be kept in near flight condition to be used as a parts hulk for Discovery and Endeavour. However, with the significant planned flight schedule up to 2010, the decision was taken to extend the time between OMDPs, allowing Atlantis to be retained for operations. Atlantis has been swapped for one flight of each Discovery and Endeavour in the current flight manifest. Atlantis is now projected to fly at least one more mission, STS-132, prior to the end of the shuttle program. Flights listing # Launch date Designation Launch Pad Landing Location Duration Notes 1 1985 October 3 STS-51-J 39A Edwards AFB 4 days, 1 hour, 44 minutes, 38 seconds First Atlantis mission; mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 2 1985 November 26 STS-61-B 39A Edwards AFB 6 days, 21 hours, 4 minutes, 49 seconds 3 communications satellites deployed: MORELOS-B, AUSSAT-2 and SATCOM KU-2. 3 1988 December 2 STS-27 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 9 hours, 5 minutes, 37 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 4 1989 May 4 STS-30 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 0 hours, 56 minutes, 28 seconds Deployed Magellan probe. 5 1989 October 18 STS-34 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 23 hours, 39 minutes, 20 seconds Deployed Galileo probe. 6 1990 February 28 STS-36 39A Edwards AFB 4 days, 10 hours, 18 minutes, 22 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 7 1990 November 15 STS-38 39A KSC 4 days, 21 hours, 54 minutes, 31 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 8 1991 April 5 STS-37 39B Edwards AFB 5 days, 23 hours, 32 minutes, 44 seconds Deployed Compton Gamma Ray Observatory. 9 1991 August 2 STS-43 39A KSC 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, 25 seconds Deployed TDRS-5. 10 1991 November 24 STS-44 39A Edwards AFB 6 days, 22 hours, 50 minutes, 44 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 11 1992 March 24 STS-45 39A KSC 8 days, 22 hours, 9 minutes 28 seconds Carried Atmospheric Laboratory for Applications and Science (ATLAS) mission 1. 12 1992 July 31 STS-46 39A KSC 7 days, 23 hours, 15 minutes, 3 seconds Deployed ESA European Retrievable Carrier and NASA Tethered Satellite System. 13 1994 November 3 STS-66 39B Edwards AFB 10 days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, 2 seconds Carried ATLAS mission 3. 14 1995 June 29 STS-71 39A KSC 9 days, 19 hours, 22 minutes, 17 seconds First shuttle docking with space station Mir. 15 1995 November 12 STS-74 39A KSC 8 days, 4 hours, 31 minutes, 42 seconds Carried docking module to Mir. 16 1996 March 22 STS-76 39B Edwards AFB 9 days, 5 hours, 16 minutes, 48 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Shannon Lucid. 17 1996 September 16 STS-79 39A KSC 10 days, 3 hours, 19 minutes, 28 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Shannon Lucid and John Blaha. 18 1997 January 12 STS-81 39B KSC 10 days, 4 hours, 56 minutes, 30 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of John Blaha and Jerry Linenger. 19 1997 May 15 STS-84 39A KSC 9 days, 5 hours, 20 minutes, 47 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Jerry Linenger and Michael Foale. 20 1997 September 25 STS-86 39A KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 22 minutes, 12 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Michael Foale and David A. Wolf. 21 2000 May 19 STS-101 39A KSC 9 days, 21 hours, 10 minutes, 10 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (re-supply ISS). 22 2000 September 8 STS-106 39B KSC 11 days, 19 hours, 12 minutes, 15 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (re-supply ISS). 23 2001 February 7 STS-98 39A Edwards AFB 12 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, 00 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the Destiny Laboratory Module). 24 2001 July 12 STS-104 39B KSC 12 days, 18 hours, 36 minutes, 39 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the Quest Joint Airlock). 25 2002 April 8 STS-110 39B KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 43 minutes, 48 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the S0 truss segment). 26 2002 October 7 STS-112 39B KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 58 minutes, 44 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the S1 truss segment). 27 2006 September 9 STS-115 39B KSC 11 days, 19 hours, 6 minutes, 35 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (P3 and P4 truss segments). 28 2007 June 8 STS-117 39A Edwards AFB 13 days, 20 hours, 12 minutes, 44 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (S3 and S4 truss segments). 29 2008 February 7 STS-122 39A KSC 12 days, 18 hours, 21 minutes, 50 seconds International Space Station construction (Columbus laboratory). 30 2009 May 11 STS-125 39A Edwards AFB 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes, 9 seconds Hubble Space Telescope Servicing Mission 4. 31 2009 November 16 STS-129 39A KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes, 13 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (ELC-1/ELC-2) 32 2010 May 14* STS-132 39A ** 12 days (planned) International Space Station construction (Mini-Research Module 1 and the cargo pallet, Integrated Cargo Carrier-Vertical Light Deployable) * No Earlier Than (Tentative) ** To Be Determined Remaining assigned missions * STS-335 – Launch On Need NASA announced in 2007 that 24 helium and nitrogen gas tanks in Atlantis are older than their designed lifetime. These composite overwrapped pressure vessels were designed for a 10 year life and later cleared for an additional 10 years; they exceeded this life in 2005. NASA said it cannot guarantee any longer that the vessels on Atlantis will not burst or explode under full pressure. Failure of these tanks could damage parts of the shuttle and even wound or kill ground personnel. An in-flight failure of a pressure vessel could even result in the loss of the orbiter and its crew. NASA analyses originally assumed that the vessels would leak before they burst, but new tests showed that they could in fact burst before leaking. Because the original vendor was no longer in business, and a new manufacturer could not be qualified before 2010, when the shuttles are scheduled to be retired, NASA decided to continue operations with the existing tanks. Therefore, to reduce the risk of failure and the cumulative effects of load, the vessels will be maintained at 80 percent of the operating pressure as late in the launch countdown as possible, and the launch pad will be cleared of all but essential personnel when pressure is increased to 100 percent. The new launch procedure will be employed during the remaining Atlantis launches if no other resolution is found. Atlantis will have to fly at least once under this requirement. After the STS-125 mission, a work light knob was discovered jammed in the space between one of Atlantis's front interior windows and the Orbiter dashboard structure. The knob was believed to have entered the space during flight, when the pressurized Orbiter was expanded to its maximum size. Then, once back on Earth, the Orbiter contracted, jamming the knob in place. Leaving "as-is" was considered unsafe for flight, and some options for removal (including window replacement) would have included a 6 month delay of Atlantis's next mission (planned to be STS-129). Had the removal of the knob been unsuccessful, the worst-case scenario is that Atlantis could have been retired from flight, leaving Discovery and Endeavour to complete the manifest alone. On 29 June 2009, Atlantis was pressurized to 17 psi/120 kPa (3psi-delta), which forced the Orbiter to expand slightly. The knob was then frozen with dry ice, and was successfully removed. Small areas of damage to the window were discovered where the edges of the knob had been embedded into the pane. Subsequent investigation of the window damage discovered a maximum defect depth of approximately 0.0003 in/0.0076 mm, less than the reportable depth threshold of 0.0015 in/0.038 mm and not serious enough to warrant the pane’s replacement. Valued at $1.7 billion, willing to take offers. Please contact NASA for details and flight support. <ul> <li> Location: Kennedy Space Center <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-05-12T18:40:08-04:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1737878952.html 1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104 text Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable man http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1737517917.html You: -Must have a busy schedule. This must be legit. Holding down a 3.8 in the College of Engineering while working two jobs, running a business, publishing original research=busy. Sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, smoking with your friends, watching re-runs of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”=not busy. That way, we can always blame everything on “timing.” (It’s not you or me) -Must play control games with me. I will push and shove, and it is your job to nonverbally put me in my place by constantly “taking control of the situation.” This is how you will establish your “dominance.” This will not be easy (but that’s what makes it fun). Other ways to “stay in control:” ask all the questions, do all of the interrogation. If I ever become upset, accuse me of being “emotional” or “unreasonable.” It's always "inside my head." Also, see me when it is convenient for you. Don't always answer my calls. Remain somewhat aloof. You don’t want to let me have the upper hand. -Must be willing to banter back and forth with me. I will get bored and lose interest otherwise. -Must be into exciting and potentially dangerous activities, like stealing road signs, driving like a maniac, and getting arrested by the police. Actually, scratch that last one. There is a difference between risky and reckless. Then there is “retarded.” (I’m still undecided on where to place “posting personal ads on Craigslist.”) In turn, will never call you too much (although I won’t hesitate to call you out) nor will I make you feel guilty about not “spending enough time with me.” I won’t nag you about commitment (or “where this relationship is going”) because it will never be “that” serious. We won’t talk about feelings because—well, I’d rather not. Only short-listed applicants will be contacted (no phone calls or multiple e-mails, please). <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-05-12T12:20:40-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1737517917.html Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable man text My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nhm/1629950745.html So you like watching these porn-sluts get pounded and creamed? OK, I get it, I kind of like some of that too. It's rather entertaining, if not slightly disturbing/fascinating to WATCH. But now you're getting all fucked up with me, and although I keep taking it from you, you're probably on the way out, and I'm trying to think of ways to get you back. Because, at the end of the day, the "new" hardcore is rather degrading, and there are too many limits being pushed. Here are a few of mine that keep getting tested: 1) If you don't stop slapping my tits and pinching my nipples that way, you won't ever see them again. I hope you like my parka, cause it's going to become my new lingerie. 2) Don't ever spit on my face again, I think I made that clear, sorry about the sore balls. 3) I used to feel proud that I could swallow, now I feel pretty gross after you dick whip me and make me eat it off your cock and fingers like it's punishment. I would do all that for you anyway, but when you hold my hair and call me names and make me, there's that line I was talking about. 4) Pussy to mouth is kind of freaky, I'm totally ok with that. Ass to mouth is something else altogether, stop even joking about it. If you should ever decide to "forge ahead" with that one and see how it goes, I'll bite your fucking dick off, I swear I will. If I don't manage that in the moment, I'll get you in your sleep. Thanks for listening sweetheart. By the way how did your coffee taste this morning? <ul> <li> Location: to boyfriends everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-05T13:18:48-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nhm/1629950745.html My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend text Looking for a beard mentor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1628697112.html I've had a moustache and beard off and on over the years, and I've tried styling it in the past but I just can't seem to get it to the next level. I'm looking for some srs protips with this, as well as possibly some styling services by someone with skilled hands. Please submit to me your beard/moustache resume. Also if you have pictures of you achievements that would be greatly appreciated. I'm currently having trouble with getting my handlebar working correctly as well as keeping the sideburns even. This is 'srs bsns' (serious business) as I've been informed I need to style it up, shave it off, or loose my job. (I work in adult daycare.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: negotiable depending on services </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-04T15:40:24-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1628697112.html Looking for a beard mentor text Penis Measuring http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine. So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50. <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $50 </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-02T18:01:20-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html Penis Measuring text Contest to be my boss! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1625610355.html I am a graphic artist and in need of a job. I have decided to fill this need the same way many people think the can fill their graphic design needs; with a contest! Here is how it will work; Send me one weeks worth of salary and benefits. I will keep all of the checks that are sent to me and use all of the benefits. Whoever sends me the best salary and benefits package will win the contest and get the prize of two days of graphic design work!!! Good Luck! I am really looking forward to recieving your payment packages! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: 2 days of Graphic Design work </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-02T16:28:04-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1625610355.html Contest to be my boss! text Stately Dutch MILF Magnet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1624333458.html This is a Batavus "PERSONAL" delivery bike. It's black, has one speed, a coaster brake, a kick stand, chain case, racks, and a dynamo lighting system. I discovered it in the basement of the Smith and Butler boutique in Carrol Gardens last October. I am selling this bicycle because my therapist suggested I need to come to terms with my attraction to african-american women. No sister is going to date a 34 year old systems administrator riding a european grocery bike. However, when I would cruise slowly down Park Slope's fifth avenue, panties would literally fly off of every white or asian woman with a stroller and a master's degree. I live in Williamsburg now and the bike confuses most of the women here. If I grow my moustache out a little and explain it only has one speed "like a fixie" I can sometimes get to second base. But for the most part I might as well have a soul patch and collect classic cameras. If you want to get some action I'd only take this baby out south of Atlantic Avenue. Spring is coming and if you like flat-assed waspy moms who went to Vassar, this is the ride you need. $300 O.B.O. <ul> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-01T23:20:58-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1624333458.html Stately Dutch MILF Magnet text Spacious Studio Igloo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1624094833.html Looking for a renter for a 70 square foot igloo (4' x 5' entrance tunnel, 4' radius living area.) An excellent choice for EMU art students as it is located right next to the Ford Building on Eastern's campus. Quiet neighborhood consisting mostly of squirrels. Heat, plumbing and electric not provided. Water included (must be melted by occupant.) Includes hole in roof for bonfires to prevent asphyxiation. Neighborhood security provided free by campus police. $200 a month OBO. *Landlord not responsible for property melting. W. Cross Ave at Normal St. (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+W%2E+Cross+Ave+at+Normal+St%2E+Ypsilanti+MI+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=W%2E+Cross+Ave+at+Normal+St%2E&csz=Ypsilanti+MI&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: EMU / Ypsilanti <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1624094833.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-01T20:10:03-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1624094833.html Spacious Studio Igloo text Dear University Alumni Office http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1619190174.html Dear University Alumni Office, I'm sorry to hear that the university's $750 million endowment has fallen in value to $500 million because of the recession and because your bank died. I'm also sorry to hear that you're dealing with declining enrollment due to the fact that middle-class families are no longer willing or able to bet their homes on a $45,000-a-year higher education for their children. I really am. So, what I want to know is, why are you wasting money on glossy fundraising brochures full of meaningless synonyms for the word "Excellence"? And, why are you sending them to ME? Yes, I know that I got a master's degree at your fine institution, but that master's degree hasn't done jack shit for me since I got it! I have been unemployed for the past TWO YEARS and I am now a professional resume-submitter, sending out dozens of resumes a month to employers, and the degree I received in your hallowed halls is at the TOP OF IT and it doesn't do a fucking thing. You know, maybe if you wanted a little bit of money from me (and these days you'd get about $3) maybe you should send me a fancy color brochure admitting your role in the bubble economics that got us all in to this mess. For example, since 1987, higher education expenses have gone up 450 percent, while personal income in this country has gone up 87 percent, making tuition IMPOSSIBLE to afford without special financing. But, during this time, you were thriving because people could come up with the cash in two ways: 1. Get a home equity loan and use the inflated value of their house to pay for their kid to get drunk and/or raped at your school and then lose the house when the market crashed. 2. Get a federal loan. HAD IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT NEITHER OF THESE SOURCES OF MONEY ACTUALLY EXIST? THAT IT WAS BEING MANUFACTURED BECAUSE YOU MADE PEOPLE THINK THAT ONE OF YOUR DEGREES WAS NECESSARY TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE BUBBLE? Oh yes, federal loans. I've got $40,000 of those, which are in "forebearance" right now because I'm unemployed, meaning that the feds are paying the interest for a while, which is convenient for me, but not for our government which is now owned by China. You know, the idea behind federal loans was that it would allow more students to attend your university, not let you INFLATE your tuition to obscene levels! I mean, what the fuck were you spending the $16,000 per semester on, anyway? I was in a public policy program, so that meant we got to sit in classrooms and listen to Professor God up at the front of the lecture hall glorify Himself and Creation as He saw it and talk about how much smarter he was than anyone else and how much he'd learned at MIT and the RAND Corporation. Really, that's about all you did for us -- gave us a lecture hall, gave us an arrogant bastard to listen to, and gave us a room full of computers we could use sometimes, and you gave us a degree that employers look at and say "This guy knows how to write reports. Amusing." And I will be paying for this privilege until I am 51 years old. So I'm sorry that the economy's been rough on you. Maybe, if you wanted to save a little money, you could stop printing and sending brochures to my parents' house (oh yeah, that's where I live because I can't afford rent on ANYTHING). And, maybe I'll donate a little bit of money to you in 2030, when I get the loans for your imaginary education PAID OFF! Sincerely yours, Alumnus <ul> <li> Location: Seattle, WA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-26T11:35:51-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1619190174.html Dear University Alumni Office text Using a Port-a-Potty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/snj/1618848861.html With all the recent postings regarding ettiquette in various sectors of "service", I've decided to post one of my own. I am employed as a Port-a-Potty technician, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to follow these simple rules the next time you're in one of my outdoor comodes: (1.) Curb the urge to inscribe your ex-lover's name, telephone number and favorite sexual performance on the inside walls. Even though I met my current wife by calling one of these phone numbers, they're usually just made up or out of service. (2.) Try to deposit all of your feces inside the sitting platform hole. Some people seem to have trouble with this one, and it is very difficult for me to scrape dried fecal matter from the very porous plastic platform. (3.) Refrain from writing your initials/gang affiliation on the walls inside the septic unit using your feces. (4.) I realize it makes a good prank, but please stop tipping the septic unit while your friend is inside with his/her bowels in full action. Someone could be seriously injured while the unit is rolled over with a person inside and/or the fecal matter and urine inside the tank overflows. It creates more of a mess than the prank is worth. (5.) This one's for the women patrons...kindly deposit your soiled tampons, maxi-pads, panty-liners, or whatever menstrual cycle fluid absorbant you choose inside the built-in disposal compartment. Some of our lady patrons seem to think the built-in urinal is a good place to dispose of them, but I must say you're misinformed. That feature is designed for male patrons to urinate, and your tampon merely clogs the drain hole. (6.) Do not attempt to retrieve your cell phone, wallet, nose piercing, penis ring, keys, wedding ring or whatever else you consider valuable and have dropped inside the fecal matter collection bin. As a dedicated Septic Tank Technician, I am entitled to my Tips as well, and as the old saying goes: "finders keepers, losers weepers". (7.) After performing sexual acts in one of my Port-a-Potty units, kindly discard your soiled condoms and wrappers in the appropriate trash container. Don't simply leave them on the floor for me to pick up later. Your dried semen is more difficult than chewing gum to scrape off the floor. (8.) Do not smoke in the septic unit. Your feces emit a highly explosive gas, and can ignite when exposed to flame. Serious bodily injury or even death could result!! Besides, I have a security deposit on each of the septic units I'm responsible for. (9.) Kindly be environmentally aware that using too much toilet paper doesn't necessarily mean better wiping action. Years of research has indicated that, properly used, 2 feet of toilet paper is equally effective as 6 feet in fecal matter absorbing action. (10.) No matter how creative you may be, please refrain from sticking a fully-loaded wad of toilet paper on the inside walls of the septic unit. Yes, it may present a pleasant art display (when properly dried) for other patrons to enjoy, but it becomes very difficult to remove. (11.) Be considerate of your fellow citizens waiting to use the septic unit after you. Napping and/or sleeping in one of our septic units is prohibited. If you're that tired, go to the rest room at your local bus depot. Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Think of me the next time you're out and about and feel the sudden urge to relieve your bowels/bladder. Have a nice day!! <ul> <li> Location: parking lot <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-26T11:39:08-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/snj/1618848861.html Using a Port-a-Potty text free toilet, needs tlc http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/1616580496.html Could be fixed up. A little dirty, and it leaked and overflowed last time it was used. My son stuffed a action figure down it, so if anyone picks this up and fixes it, can you drop the action figure back off at my house? My son would really appreciate it. Thanks <ul> <li> Location: richmond <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1616580496.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-24T20:06:06-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/1616580496.html free toilet, needs tlc text Totally AWESOME Kimball Organ http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1614955019.html Dude, this thing is sick. You need this organ. Find out why this does not turn on and then you will be ready to rock out, or play some hymns at your local church! Make an offer, any offer! Any trades considered! Would love to trade for a cute puppy like this: <img src="http://cdn.videogum.com/img/thumbnails/photos/puppy.jpg"> Check out this video of what you could be doing in just a few short weeks of practice: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE8Mv5ww4BM&feature=related">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE8Mv5ww4BM&feature=related</a> Here is a picture of the glorious beast. <img src="http://img535.imageshack.us/img535/8513/organ.jpg"> There is a good chance that it stopped working because we brought it out in the snow to play while we snowboarded in our front yard.. Come get it before this weekend and I'll throw in a <a> free high five!</a> Yeah dude! <img src="http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/7954/sthowtoff.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Lakewood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-23T17:49:27-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1614955019.html Totally AWESOME Kimball Organ text WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1614891621.html Have some instruments (pianos, trumpets, guitars, hurdy-guydys) that you need to get rid of? I will take these off of your hands, and in return you will receive a solid High Five. I have been told that my high fives are top-notch, so this is a very good deal. I will take just about any bass, flute, mandolin, violin, tuba, what have you...I am not picky. So hit me up with an awesome email and let's strike a deal. Local deals only. No traveling to high-five you. Low Fives also, though they aren't as satisfying. Here's what we'd be looking at: <ul> <li> Location: Birmingham <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1614891621.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-23T19:05:33-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1614891621.html WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument text To the redheaded MILF jogging in the park Sunday morning, apologies - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1613632095.html I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?). As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging at Audubon, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it's been too long since I was jogging regularly, and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself. You are stacked, I like redheads, my sunglasses were missing...you see where this is going. Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of "Dirty pool!" Well played, MILF. Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn't my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. See you around? <ul> <li> Location: Audubon Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-22T23:08:01-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1613632095.html To the redheaded MILF jogging in the park Sunday morning, apologies - m4w text You stole my freakin' cameras http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1612563385.html Hi, Last night you stole two of my cameras outside Angelica's Kitchen on 2nd Avenue and 12th street. I figured you'd try to sell them here, unless thieves are photo enthusiasts. You might make an honest living taking photos of shit you stole, hell that might make a great Gallery Title, "The Shit I Stole: Reflections on Urban Living in The 21st Century". You might even get into Francesca Woodman-style self-portraits that you could take with my stolen cameras, make them real artistic, with a shallow depth of field, that's what you can afford (or I guess, can't afford because you are a damn thief) when you have a 50mm prime lens attached to the Canon A-1 (that's the black one that you stole) that opens up to a 1.4. Fuck yeah, I'm giving you photography lessons, so at least you can shoot right, I mean what the hell were you gonna do with two cameras that no one wants anyway-- don't try to sell it to some Midwestern tourists in Times Square, man, don't sell it in Times Square in general. It's a 35mm film camera, who the hell wants to pay fro processing now that you can take a picture with your cell phone? Why didn't you steal my cell phone instead? The camera on it is a piece of shit, and you would be making much more money off that, and I hate my phone so you'd be doing me a favor. In your grubby hands you have a Canon AE-1-- that's the silver one with a zoom lens on it. You can set it to automatic exposure so you wouldn't have to figure out metering or f-stops. Also you can really impress some chicks with the blue-jeans denim strap that comes with it, because you will look like Peter Parker in the sense that you will resemble a nerdy high school photographer from the late 70s. You should really do yourself a favor and get some polyester pants. You will not impress anyone else, however, because it's just about the most basic student camera Canon's ever made. And that A-1? It doesn't belong to me, so double fuck you for stealing my camera and stealing my friend's camera. He got that for $10 from his friend's mom on Long Island, so don't expect to sell it for any more, unless you're selling it to other assholes like yourself. It's got a squeaky shutter and might not take anything past 1/125 (that's the shutter speed, you moron, it means the shutter is open for 1/125 of a second, to refresh your memory), unless you wanna get real artsy and overexpose everything. Finally, there are some miscellaneous shit in there: a Firewire 800 Cable - this will not be much of use to you Camera Logs - like you'd even understand them a half-read secondhand copy of Albert Camus' The Plague - Listen, you dick. I was 110 pages into that and until I buy another secondhand copy of that book I'll never find out what happened to Dr. Rieux and the rest of the people in Oran. Maybe you could skim through it and summarize what I missed in a book report. I dunno, man, maybe you're in the middle of an existential crisis, that's why you're stealing shit, right? to assert your existence or whatever. well, you should read that book. you might get a kick out of it. just don't use it for kindling for your garbage-can fire under the 59th street bridge. Three rolls of shot film - This is what I'm pissed off about the most. I took some pictures over the weekend with those cameras and they're still loaded with film. I hope you didn't open them in daylight like an idiot, not knowing that the little cardboard square that said "Ektachrome 64" under the viewfinder meant that it's LOADED, you fuck. There are shot rolls of Portra 800, 50D, and 1600 in there (film speeds-- the higher the number, the more sensitive the film, you jackass) that are pretty important to me, and would have absolutely no use to you. If you could do me a favor and drop those off at Forum Photo on Waverly and Washington Square East-- ask for George (I will not ask him to punch you in the mouth), or just drop it off under the name "Jerk McAllister". You can even shoot the rest of the rolls in those cameras and I will pay for matte prints with a white border for you, so you can show your thief buddies all your photographic skills. I can already picture the great canted angles and center-framing you're cooking up while looking for someone to take those cameras off you so you can get your next heroin fix. Keep the freakin' cameras if you want. They were cheap. They'll come and go and to be honest they were kind of on their last legs. I just want the freakin' film. You can even keep the leather case, I'm not sure if it's real leather anyway. You're probably not up for this but I might as well ask, there might be some sort of Robin Hood-like pity in your burglar heart. Of course, I'm perfectly aware that you might have just been a Good Samaritan and returned it to a police station or you're looking for clues around the the case to determine who it might belong to. If this is the case, then you can disregard all that mean shit and I hope you email me about getting it back. I'll even throw you a couple of bucks and buy you lunch. But I'm also perfectly aware that if this was the case it would be raining gumdrops from marshmallow clouds and we'd all be singing showtunes. So, more likely than not, you stole it, and now you're trying to sell it on craigslist. So fuck you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-22T13:02:39-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1612563385.html You stole my freakin' cameras text Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1611490608.html Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately! 10) "I live life to the fullest!" (Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.) 9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving" (Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.") 8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!" (Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?) 7) "I'm a down to earth..." (If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.) 6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!" (You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.) 5) "I'm a intelegent..." (If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?) 4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)." (Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.) 3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!" (Trust me, I will.) 2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate" (Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.) And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is... 1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon." (Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?) Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this.... "Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!" (Well, as long you have realistic expectations.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T15:04:30-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1611490608.html Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads text Sex and Periods. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/1611029246.html Ahhh, Sunday morning - my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I'm sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life's wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig's Online Hook-Up Service. But, lately, I've been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally 'periods' and 'sex' are not something that most people want to talk about - at least NOT in the same sentence - but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example: "lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck" This sounds great...doesn't it? (I'm hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she's too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can't use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It's natural; it's normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it's just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can't go together. I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I'll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)...anytime. Period. <ul> <li> Location: That Time of Month. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T11:51:25-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/1611029246.html Sex and Periods. text I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1610814882.html You: passed out on the grass after choking on a biscuit and slamming your car into a guardrail at Franklin and Harding Me: driver of silver bug with 2 women in the car who stopped and put your car fire out. It's been a bad month, so if you would get me a new fire extinguisher, I would appreciate it. Also don't eat while driving in the future, it's dangerous, as you discovered. <ul> <li> Location: Nashville, TN <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T09:09:53-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1610814882.html I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit text Broken and not sure if I can be put back together http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610645451.html I just got out of a really bad long term relationship, so yeah i guess you can say I have baggage, My ex was very violent and abusive, yeah i am talking black eyes violent,not only that but i was lied to and cheated on too. so im very very shaky and am not completely comfortable with men right now, i feel like a abused puppy you see at the shelter who shakes when you pet them, i know half the guys who read this have already stopped reading and have moved on past me but if you read on im going to just going to word vomit this all out, I’m not normal but I am average, I’m not sane, but I’m not crazy. I probably make less sense than anyone you have ever met, I see people all day saying what they are good at, how great they feel about it, I am not that person, I need a companion in my life, I feel I need someone more than anyone, but I won’t get mine in the typical way, I am not going to sit here and tell you all the “ wonderful” things about me, I am going to sit here and tell you everything about me which is annoying, weird, and just not attractive. If you feel you can handle the things I have to say then read on. I don’t have time to sit and make my life more miserable by wasting it with a self absorbed creep who thinks they are god, you’re not, because there is no god, only enlightenment. We are each just made up of the same cells as all things, don’t feel superior. Here is goes, if you are not running after you read this list, I think you have the reward of reading on to the good things I feel I have to offer another human being……. I am: Short tempered Somewhat lazy when I have no interest mostly sad and melancholy poor rude at times suffer from OCD easily obsessed still live at home hold on to things more than a normal human being would have a horrible phobia of foam I don’t work out im 6ft tall not fat big boned I hate being pressured in any situation HATE shopping will twist what you say just because I am a bitch although I don’t mean to getting over the “other” still have a drinking problem Now the things I enjoy, you can either like or dislike them entirely up to you, it is whether you can handle them: I like anime TALL guys chick movies the water tea all music sleeping raw oysters seafood in general tanning salons hot wings cats great danes tattoos and holes in myself VAMPIRES hookahs cooking BOOZE broadway the internet, ie facebook some moderate smoking super loyal very honest don’t mind the sunshine and more booze….. so here is me, tall blonde and green eyed,please send me a picture as well with a description of who you are, last time i tried this i got a million responses but no one wrote about who they are, i need to know SOMETHING about you. :) <ul> <li> Location: south austin <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T01:23:36-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610645451.html Broken and not sure if I can be put back together text UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610569243.html You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. "Oh yes, all night," you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, "At least, that's the plan..." There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us--"Fornicators!"--and, I don't know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter. And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame "separate-ways" ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good. And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard. Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild "ky-oat" or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband? Just make this semester a little more exciting. <ul> <li> Location: UT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-20T22:54:53-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610569243.html UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters - m4w text Take a few pictures for cash (female) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1610033654.html Looking for a good looking girl, ages 18-25 to take a few pictures with me. In medical school. Went through a bad breakup and told my parents I had a new girlfriend so they'd leave me alone. Pay is $80. Totally clothed. Take a few pictures. Done in 5 minutes. $80. Attach picture and I will respond. No travel required. <ul> <li> Location: Cleveland/surrounding <li> Compensation: $80 <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-20T15:49:20-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1610033654.html Take a few pictures for cash (female) text You aren't looking for them, but I found your two dogs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1607058449.html Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperament for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However..... They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit." They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an under bite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniature version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them. If these are your dogs, come on by, I'd like to kick your ass. <ul> <li> Location: Atlanta <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-18T16:42:03-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1607058449.html You aren't looking for them, but I found your two dogs. text How To Catch A Date On CL http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1605343796.html Gentlemen, Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post. 1. She probably won't. That's right - women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But... 2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage. 3. If you're not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can't. See points below. 4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal. 5. Put your age in your ad. 6. If you're a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character. 7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called "internet porn" (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to. 8. The "I wonder if he is a serial killer" photo. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again" from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you're on the right track! 9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby. 10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro. 11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex? ;) 8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: "I'm a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I'm a hot guy." And blah, blah blah... Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times! If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're safe. I'll save the "non-pro only" commentary for another time. 9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., "ur" instead of "your or you're") and there's this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer - use it. 10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she's reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well. 11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay. 12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible). Happy hunting! <ul> <li> Location: Hampton Roads <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-17T15:26:17-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1605343796.html How To Catch A Date On CL text Shadow Kitty - Thank You - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1604951280.html Dear whoever left me "Shadow", I work in public accounting and lead a pretty miserable life. We work horrible hours and I have almost no time to do anything else in life. One day (December 1st, 2009) after leaving work at 1am, upon heading to the parking lot, I noticed a box in front of my silver bmw. Scared of what was inside, I imagined it to be either a) a bomb, or b) full of baby kittens. Hesitantly, I gently tapped the box with my foot, nudging it knowing the chance of it being a bomb was pretty low. The box felt light - too light to be a box of kittens. In fact, no one meowed when it shook. So I took an even greater risk and peeked inside. I see a tiny baby kitten sitting inside with an empty water dish, soft pillow and warm blanket. Never having thought I would own a cat, I was about to leave the kitten there for someone else to find. However, it was approximately 35 degrees outside and with no food or water, the kitten would surely struggle through the night. So I placed the large box in my passenger seat and brought the kitten home with me. The tiniest cat I have ever seen, she has the softest black fur, sweetest face and gentlest personality. On the box, in a child's handwriting an index card was scotch-taped to the side saying "Cat's home" and written on the box was "Shadow". Whatever the circumstances were, since you packed the box with the water dish, pillow and blanket, I can only imagine how much you wanted her to have a good home. This note is a simple thank you, and letting you know she has a wonderful home now and she has brought so much joy into my miserable life. Things are starting to look up, and I will be making life changes soon and hope to find new employment. As far as I know, an angel left Shadow for me that night. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-17T09:00:01-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1604951280.html Shadow Kitty - Thank You - m4w text Sea Monkeys http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1604286957.html Please rescue my son's Sea Monkeys. The Sea Monkeys were a well-intentioned gift from a relative, but my son has poor vision and can't see them at all, so they've become Mommy's problem. We are moving and I have no idea how to transport them across the state- plus, I don't care. So, they would love a new owner. They come with their tank, food and food scooping spoon, and a little syringe and keychain thing in case someone wanted to suck Sea Monkeys out of the tank and carry them around for some reason. As shown except that our tank is red, not blue, and that the eggs have already been hatched. They would be a great dorm pet as they don't take up any space and are quiet. Really, they would be a good pet for anyone. I'm not picky, I don't think they are either. I realize that people feed Sea Monkeys to fish and such, and I have no problem with that, but I'm not interested in giving these creatures away for that purpose simply because it seems like a waste of all the plastic crap that comes with them. So please only take them if you actually want to keep them. Thank you! **Please do no flag and tell me this belongs in pets. Seriously- they're Sea Monkeys. Come on. <ul> <li> Location: Boulder <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-16T19:16:06-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1604286957.html Sea Monkeys text Large Boat for sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1603624338.html Due to the bad economy, I can no longer afford to fill up the diesel tanks on this thing and pay my crew. Therefore, I am forced to sell my 1977 Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. New paint and propellors. 22 knots max. Looking for around $2,000,000 or best offer. No pirates or scammers. <ul> <li> Location: North Atlantic <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1603624338.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-16T13:17:31-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1603624338.html Large Boat for sale text An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1602837659.html Dear Men of Craig’s List that post ads in the Casual Encounters section, I’ve been observing and laughing and on the verge of vomiting, so I’d like to give you a few tips to increase your chances of scoring a casual encounter, here on Craig’s List. I’ll divide this up in sections: Section 1: Photo tips Section 2: General ad writing tips Section 1: -We HATE tiny cell phone pictures. What’s the point of posting them if we can’t see anything? Just get a damn camera or borrow one of your friend’s cameras, its not that hard. Also, its never a good idea to use photos of yourself from family functions. We want to fuck, we don’t care what your families look like, so break out the pics of your skivvies lizard! -Portly men, don’t take upshots of your faces, because it will make your double chin multiply. This also goes for skinny guys, because this is NOT a good photo perspective. I’m eyeing you, Latino men who do the “what’s up” face or the faux gangster lean. Even if you’re skinny, the underside of your chin will look fat, from that perspective. A clear shot, straight-on or slightly angled above and pointing down produces a flattering photo for nearly every face and body shape. Also, don’t wrinkle your forehead, the way the VAST majority of you do. This distorts your features and over a short time, will give you wrinkles. -If you REALLY want to up your chances at getting laid, you must post a picture of your body AND your face. It is BEYOND my understanding how some of you men will post your ad with no photo. Yeah, like women are going to be sooo eager to blindly want to swallow your sour cream rifle and let you fuck them because you’ve written such a tantalizing, misspelled ad with text abbreviations! Anyway, I know you want to be discreet, but for a lot of women, the face HAS TO BE THERE. The body can always improve, later on. Women are not like men, we won’t fuck just anyone with a hot body. You can have the body of an Adonis and the face of Carrot Top and most of us still wouldn’t want to pirhouette on your pole. Case in point: Michael Phelps couldn’t even pay me to fuck him, suck him, or even give him a damn hand job. VOM. -DON’T put a picture up of yourself wearing a blue tooth headset. Come on now, you can take that fucker out of your ear, NO ONE is going to call you, right as you’re taking your nude shots. I’d wager that 90% of the time that you blue tooth addicted bastards have that thing in your ear, the only calls you get are from your mother or the mother of your kids, because you haven’t paid this month’s child support, you deadbeat dad. -DON’T post pictures of yourself with former sex partners/girlfriends. No one wants to see who their fuck buddy has fucked before. Especially the same pic I keep seeing of some dude with his stain-maker between a chubby woman’s pale, blue-vein-plagued cow titties, with the weird invisible colored nipples on the very south end of the utters. -DON’T post pictures of the sex acts you want to do with us. We know what it looks like. Doing this just makes it seem like you lifted the images from your favorite porn sites. We don’t want to think about the large collection of XXX images that you’ve culled from the web and have hidden in a secret folder on your laptop, labeled “Fappaccino”. -DON’T post headless pictures of you with your cum all over your naked body. That’s not hot, because we don’t know what your face looks like. Your cock shot shouldn’t look like cutting room floor frames from a poorly made David Lynch-inspired student film. -If you have an appendix scar, its best that you don’t crop your face out of the photo. Appendix scars are generally repugnant, so you’d have better luck scoring some lady love if she happens to like your face. A hot face excuses an appendix scar. -Ashy cocks are NOT hot. Ever. Moisturize before you take your pictures, please and thank you. Chances are that you were getting all hot and bothered, with the thought of even taking nudes of yourself, so there’s no excuse why you didn’t moisturize, since I’m sure that all of you jacked off, after the picture was taken. -Why on earth do some of you post flaccid cock shots? Don’t get me wrong, I love cock and I even love the way it looks flaccid, but I’m in the vast minority. Most women think that flaccid cocks are ugly. You’re here to find someone to fuck, so you need to post a pic of what you’re going to deliver, duh. Even if you’re huge, most women will be turned off by a picture of your sleeping sandworm. -If you have a particularly small package, your best bet is to zoom in with your camera and take a pic of your wee one in a mirror, to give the illusion of a bigger nuke. Don’t you dare put your hands on or near it in the photo! We’ll be able to gauge how much you’re lacking, by comparing your tater tot to your hand. -The shot you love to post where you’re lying down, grabbing your piss whistle is not a good angle. Your junk is always going to look smaller, especially with your hand covering the area that connects your root to your body. Unless you’re a very well-endowed man, don’t do that. The side view is always better, because it flatters most cock sizes and gives us a good idea enough view of your tent pole, to decide whether or not you’re going to be worth contacting. -Trim your pubic hair! We don’t want to see kinky curls surrounding your jizz syringe, golden straw poking out three inches from your body, or a pubic bush that resembles Phil Spector’s court room white boy fro. Thick bushes likely harbor an acrid smell and/or prime real estate for crabs. You expect us to clean our shit up, so heed your own advice! We do a lot more than you ever will. You can handle swiping a BIC across your shit, once in a while or a few passes with a handheld electric shaver. Pubic hair shouldn’t sprawl all over your inner and upper thighs, like climbing Ivy vines. If you want any kind of attention paid to your balls, shave them, or at the very least, trim the hair. It is sooo NOT HOT when rogue ball hair tickles the inside of your sex partner’s nostrils, when they’ve so graciously decided to give your balls that rare, royal treatment. We don’t expect you to shave off all of your pubic hair (some of us prefer that you don’t), we just think that you need to mow the lawn when you can’t find the garden hose in the grass anymore. -DON’T post pictures of you grabbing your cock through your boxers. It just makes us think that you have a small cock and this is your not so clever way of camouflaging it. You could have a two inch penis in there with a half eaten Kiolbasa from lunch tied to it with dental floss. Even if you’re the proud owner of a twelve inch train, it might be ugly or it might have something awful, like herpes on it. So, we need to see your bare cock. -Choose your sheets wisely, when taking a nude photo that involves your bed. If you’re lying on mauve silk or floral-overload sheets, we’ll think that: a.) You’re gay b.) You have a girlfriend that buys your sheets from the clearance section at Anna’s Linens c.) You live with your mother and you’ve got a disgusting fetish for doing nasty things in your mom’s bed, probably while wearing her above the navel panties. Section 2: #1 rule of writing a fuck ad: Spell correctly and don’t type your message like you type your fucking texts! You’re not a 16 years old texting queen, you’re a man and you should spell correctly and write out your words in full. If you’re not proficient with basic spelling, write your message in Microsoft Word first, so the spell check will point out your errors. Then, copypasta to your ad to Craig’s List. Simple. I know that you’re horny, but if you don’t put forth the effort, you’ll never get the results that you want. -DON’T describe yourself as “cute”. Puppies are cute, Sanrio characters are cute, and that morbidly obese baby from China is strangely cute. Describe yourself as “handsome”. Even calling yourself “hot” is always up for debate and can come off as cocky. I know that you essentially have to be a car salesman on this thing, and that some of you are trying to sell a lemon to an unsuspecting first-time buyer, but you really shouldn’t get ahead of yourself. Because, if we get interested enough to take a test spin, we might not even put the key in the ignition because the car wasn’t at all as it was described. -Choose your headlines better. Here are two examples that pop up often: 1. “Young hot cum sluts with big tits that love hot loads in their throats ONLY!” Dude, you watch too many pornos. Real life is not like that. Your porn lingo is not hot. I’m sorry that when you were a kid, your mom’s boyfriend of the week exposed you to porn at such an early age; that truly is a form of child abuse. 2. “Hard rite now! Need to cum! All horny ladies msg me!” Um, no. I don’t care if you’re hard when you post your ad. By the time anyone contacts you, your hard-on will have deflated. Just tempt us with good photos and leave the current status of your hard-on out of it. The urgency makes you seem pathetic. Also, refrain from using the word “need” in your ad, especially in all capitals, which is equally pathetic. -DON’T post more than once in a day. Hell, even more than once in a week. Multiple postings give the impression that no one wants your bald-headed yogurt slinger. -Asking for just a blow job and only a blow job is an unrealistic request. Do you actually think that a good-looking woman is going to be desperate enough to drive her ass all the way to your home, suck your dick, and leave? Again, stop watching so much goddamn porn. Take a few minutes out of everyday, to put the bottle of hair conditioner and the remote down and step outside, breathe some fresh air, and interact with real people. If a girl is going to suck your cock and let you cum down her throat, there’s a good possibility that she’s got a prescription for Valtrex in her purse. The girl who will giddily respond to a bj-only ad is a girl who has to take what she can get, because no one will fuck her STD-ridden pussy. -When referring to vagina, don’t call it a “kitty” and please, don’t spell it “kittie”, that’s fucking dumb. The word “pussy” is acceptable in this particular forum. I’ve actually seen “beef curtains” mentioned. Are you fucking serious? Wow. There’s a variety of ways to successfully dirty talk and then there’s using the word “beef curtains”. Don’t compare vagina with anything you can purchase from a deli! So gross. -I love how you guys sometimes claim to be rich or uber-successful business men. Haha! If you really were, you wouldn’t be on Craig’s List, you’d be able to hire someone to wrangle pussy for you. -You guys with the lactating preggo fetishes need to get some fucking help. Mother issues are soooo NOT HOT. Same goes for you psycho fucks that want to bring feces into the boudoir. You need to GTFO and check yourself into a mental institution like…NAO!!!!! Follow these tips and you will increase your chances of getting laid via Craig’s List. Soon, you’ll be questioning whether or not you’ve got strep throat or something much more delicious, and getting the text: Missed my period. What do we do now? Good luck in the casual sex game. May all the women that respond to your ads look like the photos that they’ve sent you and may all of your fuck dates go as planned! And lastly… ALWAYS, ALWAYS practice safe sex. :) Sincerely, Labia Majora <ul> <li> Location: San Antonio <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-15T22:45:35-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1602837659.html An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!) text IGLOO in Rittenhouse - who needs an apt, condo, house? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1598455512.html Recession rates for a ONE OF A KIND Igloo. Forget those lame Condos, Apartments, Lofts, Brownstones, etc. You can rent this one of a kind Igloo located in historic (and extremely convenient) Rittenhouse Square. House is fully insulated with state of the art ICE technology and features central air conditioning. Door is included and can be seen in the attached image. Igloo is also nearly sound proof for raucous dance parties your friends will be sure to attend. Interior was finished with pearl white walls, as well as the outside. Furniture not included. Neighbors are very quiet and friendly. You will only get this chance once, so jump on it! $7/night OBO <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Rittenhouse Square <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1598455512.1.jpg"> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1598455512.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T19:32:26-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1598455512.html IGLOO in Rittenhouse - who needs an apt, condo, house? text Tune Your God Damn Piano http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1598225097.html For christ's sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I'm the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I'll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I'll make YOU sing too. Na i'm kidding, that's a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I'll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way. You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I'll tune it. Done. Just like that. All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don't fucking call me if you're in Queens or Hoboken. $80 for grand and upright pianos $100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder) <ul> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T16:52:27-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1598225097.html Tune Your God Damn Piano text Parents - Please stop the madness http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1597825172.html Parents, I love you. You gave me life and quirky personality peccadillos. You gave me shelter, food and you were probably a lot cooler and more fulfilled before you had kids. Let's get the love thing down first. Much respect and love. But this madness has got to stop. It's been ten years since your genitals started repelling each other like polarized magnets and the vow of "til death do us part" became "ehhhh...not so much" and you got divorced. Instead your respective genitals started latching onto other peoples naughties like there was Elmer's glue on them. That's cool. Statistically likely, even, but how about now, we all start acting like fucking grown-ups. Look at your spawn, me and my brother. We are not, as you seem to think, human telephones. You being responsible for our genetics would be AMAZED by the lack of dials, button and digital wires on our persons. Should you ever need to use the telephone to contact each other, I would recommend AN ACTUAL TELEPHONE. Yes, it will involve verbal communication with your ex, scary I know. But if that's too much, email can swiftly communicate all of the curses and epithets you have for each other in one fell swoop. You are both remarried. You get along with those spouses. You have high level exec jobs where I assume you have a maturity level above that of a sixth grader. You have friends. Perhaps even some of your co-workers or spouse of friends are people you do not like, but you manage to treat them civilly, don't you? Let's play a game where you treat each other like that! Yes, Bro and I played you little game for the last ten years, but I'm officially putting the kybosh on it today. I really do not care if you now hate each other with the burning intensity of a thousand suns; the moment your gametes merged and created a child, you got stuck with each other FOR LIFE. Deal. The. Fuck. With. It. Mom: Thanks for being my biological roommate for nine months. I'm sure Bro feels the same. Very cool of you. But you are a career-driven distant lady and probably bipolar. It's okay. Lots of people are. And accept that you cheated first and married the man you cheated with. Yeah, Dad's got some resentment. Accept it and don't resent the resentment, that's lame. You don't have to be best friends with Dad, that would be weird. But if you have something to say to the man, FOR GOD'S SAKE just say it. The Chinese Whispers needs to stop. I will not ask a 50 year old man to get in touch with his son. I straight up won't (even though I think he should). If your opinions are so strong on the matter, may I kindly suggest you TELL HIM YOURSELF LIKE AN ADULT. I've got my own stuff going on and I don't really care how people mess up their kids. My role as your mouthpiece ends right now. Dad: I just said I wouldn't tell you this, BUT CALL YOUR SON, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Seriously? Seriously. Bro is 19, an overweight underachiever, he could use a strong male role in his life. Think you might be the one he wants, maybe? Because my awful stepfather is "step"ping right into that part. That should send shivers down your spine. When he wants to visit you, he doesn't need you hovering over him like a child, but a weekend away from Casa de Crazy and Mom and Stepdad. Seeing your kids is not an unreasonable request. If you're resenting him for sharing genes with someone you hate, how do you think that makes me/us feel? Classy. Stepdad: Stop trying to my friend/friendly. It's okay, normal even if we're not best buds. I can count on zero fingers the number of people I know who are friends with their stepdad. I wouldn't like you even if you weren't CREEPY AS FUCK. I'm your wife's daughter, man. Stop hitting on me. The slightly too long hugs. The time you walked in on teenage me masturbating and DIDN'T LEAVE AND APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY AND STARTED A CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING INSTEAD. The time I was nude modelling to pay for school and you said you should sign up for "art lessons" (pukes). Last summer when I was playing with your son, wearing a short dress and you kept "accidentally" moving behind me. Just stop. Mom, if you ever tell me how "good he is in bed" again, I will vomit in your closet. Stepmom: You're cool as hell. I've got no beef with you. Except maybe that your dogs are maniacs. Get Barkbusters in on that shit. In summary, Parents. Phones. Use them. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T13:07:27-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1597825172.html Parents - Please stop the madness text every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1597338520.html let me just remind you that when you take away the fixed-gear bike, the messenger bag, the scarf that's worn year-round, the ironic t-shirt, the dumb shoes, the pbr, the tattoos, plugs, and the stupid beard, we all look the same. so, are you really in love with a guy or his accessories? or is it that you're in love with the whimsical idea of an urban lumberjack type who will go on "adventures" with you, meanwhile being perfectly content with doing what every other human being our age does: drinking and fucking? also, tell me about the last black guy you dated. what's that? you can't? cause every fucking uptown hipster is a white boy from the suburbs. the uptown wannabes from the suburbs grow up idolizing the current inhabitants. when they're old enough, they move there, grow beards and do the stupid shit that kids do (eg. drink). what's ironic is that this new generation then grows up and becomes the new kids to be idolized by the new uptown wannabes from the suburbs. it's an endless cycle of superficiality, facades, and stupid kids seeking affirmation from their peers. the truth is, NONE OF YOU ARE COOL! i wish i could be there, 20 years from now, when you look back at pictures of yourselves from today. it's like explaining zubas in the 90s to someone today. irony is not timeless. marry a guy with a yacht. <ul> <li> Location: uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T04:05:16-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1597338520.html every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike text Hey Snow Nazi in Warren http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1596697441.html Dear Neighbor in Warren - I'm not gonna shovel out the walk, so you might as well call me in now. I work 12-14 hour days. My wife left almost a year ago to go relive her college days (she's fucking the third or fourth in a line of grad students at the U of M, from what I hear) and saddled me with the mortgage and car payment. The dog now hates me because he's cooped up in one room all day long when he used to be home with the wife (too busy doing yoga to stay limber for the college studs to get a job when we were together) and could go outside or at least have run of the house all day. Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed shit-machine-on-four-legs this morning. Must be a bitch to be shins deep in the snow while your dog clamors into my yard to leave a steamer in the drift. Noticed you didn't have a bag with you and kind of caught the way you just kept on walking without picking up Rover's turds as I rolled up the hill towards another hourlong commute. Hey, asshole. Guess what? I'm not an independent consultant or whatever the fuck it is you told me your job is when I was checking out your wife's ass at the neighborhood picnic this Summer. I'm a sales manager. I get up early, go to the office, slug it out listening to salespeople tell me that our customers won't buy our services in this economy (or as I call it, 'whining about shit that's really not my problem') until well after you've had your supper, and typically make it home about the time you're settling in to watch Real Housewives of Orange County or whatever closet cocksucker show you watch after you put little Peyton and Jacinda to bed. I'm beat when I get home. I eat a sandwich, pet the dog a little, sort the mail, and wish my wife wasn't a cum guzzling whore for a Carlson School of Management's Spring '09 MBA candidates, each of whom is gonna finish fucking my wife, defend a dissertation, get offered a job without having to make a meaningful search, and earn six times more money at age 22 with no experience than I am at age 40 with a BS in marketing and 18 years never once having missed quota for base-plus-ten-percent. The LAST thing on my mind in these moments of lamentation is putting on the Carhartts and shoveling out the sidewalk when it's -15�. I gotta get up in six hours and get back to the office. I work for a living, and to tell you the truth, when you called the City to complain earlier this year about snow on the sidewalk and I got the $30 WSB invoice from the City for them to come by with their brush-blower, I happily paid it. It was worth the $30 to not have to go out and stand in the wind for 30 minutes. So this is your fair warning, oh neighbor of mine...might as well call me in now, because it ain't getting any warmer the rest of this week, my job ain't getting any less demanding, and as far as I know, my wife has every intention of continuing to let the next generation of useless MBAs keep screwing her spit-lubricated ass. Which means I have the perfect combination of prohibitive temperatures, discretionary income, and anger at humanity in general to keep paying the city to clear the sidewalk in from of my house well into Spring. More snow on the way! <ul> <li> Location: Warren <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T16:50:06-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1596697441.html Hey Snow Nazi in Warren text From a girl who loves casual encounters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1596333194.html So I just need to get something off my chest. I like sex. No, I take that back. I don’t like sex. I LOVE sex. I love men, and their bodies, and the way their muscles move under their skin, and the power I feel when making them moan. And I love casual encounters. I work hard, I’m busy, and I don’t really want a boyfriend. A fuck buddy? Hell yes. Being able to call someone on a random Friday night, have them come over and blow my mind? Yes, yes, yes. Hell, if they’re good, they can even sleep over. If they’re really, really good, I might make them breakfast the next morning. Pancakes and eggs after some mind-blowing sex? Sign me right up. But you know what I don’t love? I don’t love guys that assume that because I’m looking for a casual encounter, I will just show up and fuck them. Umm… have you ever read the news? I’m not interested in getting chopped to little pieces here buddy. I’m going to need to meet you in a public place first and make sure you’re not the next Ted Bundy. Seriously. Letting you into my house, not to mention my vagina. Hoping to survive both experiences, thanks. Also, “no fattys” pisses me off. First off, I am a fatty. Not like “morbidly-obese-I-break-a-sweat-walking-up-the-stairs” fat, but I’m definitely not a size 8. And I can respect that some people are just not attracted to a bigger girl. But you know what? You’re on fucking craigslist, posting pictures of your dick. Perhaps you don’t have much room to be picky. Perhaps that “fatty” will blow you and your mind. I have yet to be told I’m not good in bed, but boy have I heard that I’m the best they’ve had. You know why? Because I LOVE SEX. I don’t have the best body in the world, but I do amazing things with what I’ve got. Oh, and to the married creepers? Die. Seriously, wtf? I may be terrified of marriage, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t respect the idea. Never in all my life will I ever help someone cheat on their partner. Never. No, not this once because you “eat pussy so well”. I wouldn’t care if I came from you looking at me. You are married. I will never go there. Get a divorce if you are that unhappy. You are a douche. Also, spelling and grammar count folks. I don’t need to fuck a brain surgeon, but I like to think the person I’m sleeping with is intelligent enough to spell pussy correctly. If you can’t take the time to run a spell check, what makes me think you will take the time to really satisfy me in other ways? And finally, I’m open to a lot of things, but when I set limits on who I’m interested in, respect them. I say I’m not looking to meet anyone over 34 because I am 27. Seven years older than me is the farthest I can go and still be attracted to someone. I have a father. I don’t need one in bed. Likewise, all you cute little early 20-somethings, I’m sure you’re nice, but no. I have siblings that are your age or younger. I can’t do it, no matter how awesome you are. It would make me feel dirty, and not in the good “spank me, I’ve been naughty” kind of way. So yes. That's my rant in a nutshell. Common sense can take you a long way in this world. Good sex can take you farther. <ul> <li> Location: S. Lincoln <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T12:23:41-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1596333194.html From a girl who loves casual encounters text WE NEED A SMART PERSON http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1596308401.html We need a smart or more person to help un with our Company. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T13:10:31-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1596308401.html WE NEED A SMART PERSON text RE: Wanted: Chairs/Benches http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1594998214.html I have several hundred, possibly 1,000's of chairs and benches that you can have. I scattered them all thru the streets of Phila. in various parking spaces. You can pick them up once the snow stops and then for the next 2 weeks. Enjoy!!! <ul> <li> Location: Phila. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1594998214.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-10T15:15:18-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1594998214.html RE: Wanted: Chairs/Benches text 1BR Affordable Snow Fort Sublet In Capitol Hill http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1594953090.html $140 a month, including utilities. 10 minute walk from Union Station and Capitol South metros. Amenities: Wireless internet, doorman with fez, premade snowballs. Available for move-in immediately. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-10T14:50:34-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1594953090.html 1BR Affordable Snow Fort Sublet In Capitol Hill text Thanks For Shitting Your Pants http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1593048210.html I was in line at that dreadful Comcast customer service pit to return my modem and cancel service anyway. My mind was made up. For all the reasons I don't have to list here, FUCK COMCAST. My building got wireless service recently. I'm done. The guy on the phone didn't do a good job at saving my account. "How does $42 a month sound?" "Can you beat free?" I inquired. I asked him if I could send the modem back in the mail and avoid the trip to their drop-off center. "No." Whatever. Getting the $56 a month monkey off my back felt good no matter what. I had no regrets at all. You sealed the deal when you shit your pants. That was seriously nasty. Everyone thought it was the little kid at first, but I knew right away it was you. I know I can't blame Comcast for whatever it is that makes you unable to control your bowels. I know that line was long and the service fairly slow. People have complicated fucking issues with their cable and phone. That line was an audition for the Jerry Springer show ( I mean that in a loving way), complete with a woman who shits her pants. That was unreal, lady, just unreal. I know you did it while you were standing in line because you didn't smell that rotten when I took my place in line behind you. Granted, that customer-service counter IS a remarkably good place to shit your pants. The carpet is filthy. The walls have been smeared by the hands of innumerable children. You can't help but notice right away that the customer service agents are behind glass. Lashonda gets mad when the account be closed. No big deal, really. I enjoy the pagent of human existence. I suppose even to include the lady who shit her pants yesterday afternoon. Comcast is too cheap to buy a rope line, so people line up as they see fit and let the kids roam free. Holy fuck that stunk,and the line wasn't going anywhere. 15 mintues of that was enough to upset my cast-iron stomach. I trained on a vast UNDERGROUND fish market in Asia; I know what stench is. I couldn't back up, either. The line had formed behind me in that airless chamber. The room was suffering. You could see it on the stricken face of the woman who helped you. She went in the back and threw up after you left. First, she came to the agent helping me and asked for "the spray." I guess people shit themselves often there. The people who have been standing behind me gave me sympathetic looks as I left: I had endured ground zero. My only thought was to get outside as quickly as possible. But that really sealed the deal for me. My new wireless connection is great. And free. If I ever think I might want to go back to Comcast, all I have to do is think about the lady with scanty beard hair shitting her pants in a dingy lobby and I'll return to my senses right away. Imagine what her car smells like? <ul> <li> Location: 1617 S. Acoma <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-09T10:00:18-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1593048210.html Thanks For Shitting Your Pants text Elite fixie fashion http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1592376379.html Want to look cool on your sweet fixie, but can't even do a trackstand? Want the illusion to be complete on your ghetto POS singlespeed with one brake to get that fixed gear look? Looking for instant street cred? look no further gentleman or gentlelady, for i have the ultimate fixed gear accessory. you are looking at a geniune vittoria randonnonenroeur with rubber worn away ALL THE WAY AROUND IT. the red band meant only for puncture protection has been skillfully revealed with careful leg locking for that couture look. some places have even been worn through the red and threads are showing. a shredded rando is what separates the posers from the krew. the fixie krew that is. you can't get an app for this, this tire can only be made through elite fixie skills. so if you want to be the coolest guy at your nearest free trade coffee vendor or food co-operative, this tire is what you need. Will look great on any track bike, like your leader, kilo tt, windsor hour, pake, or republic bike. aerospoke compatible if aerospoke is 700c trades also accepted for hip pouches, pbrs, american spirit cigs, or anything american apparel. not looking for anymore loose beanies nor wayfarer style glasses. <ul> <li> Location: Davis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T18:17:28-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1592376379.html Elite fixie fashion text LOST: Tripod in a sewer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1592354224.html Last night, I dropped my tripod in a fast flowing sewer, and it got carried away into the shitty abyss. If you're an Ashbridges Bay sewage treatment plant worker, and you find a black Manfrotto 752B ball head tripod, it's mine, and I miss it. Thanks for your time. <ul> <li> Location: East Toronto <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1592354224.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T21:00:12-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1592354224.html LOST: Tripod in a sewer text We found your beer bong http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong outside Earth and Ocean Sciences last Sunday night/Monday morning. Just wanted to let you know that it's safe, and it's in the hands of an experienced group, and we have been using it. Just a couple notices on the construction: The mouth piece that you had connected to the ball valve was about a half foot in length. I know that this is the length they'll sell you at Home Depot, but cut it down to 2-3 inches maximum. When you have a half foot of tubing, it creates a fairly large air bubble you're going to have to take in before you even get to the beer, and it makes for a very full stomach when you're putting 2-3 beer in. We noticed you only used one hose clamp at the funnel-tube connection. They're only $0.80, we always used them on the tube-valve as well. This is what they're made for afterall. Happy bonging! <ul> <li> Location: UBC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T14:34:25-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong text Greetings from your friendly HWY 17 bus driver http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1590948273.html First of all, I'd like to compliment you all on the quality and quantity of your middle fingers. I realize I am widely despised and considered by many of you to be a selfish, clueless, dangerous bastard of a road hazard. I understand where you are coming from. Even if you are a greedy, spoiled, impatient piece of shit. I understand. Let me address a couple of specific issues. 1. The fast lane, or as it is known in "the business," the Number One Lane. Why in bloody hell, some of you wonder, would a goddamn bus be using the fast lane southbound between 280 and Los Gatos, when it can't travel much over 70 mph (MAX) on a downhill grade, and moves like a snail on the uphill? Well, it's like this: I am trying to avoid the clusterfuck merges that occur throughout that stretch. The road is full of really bad drivers, as you know... and while a passenger car might stand a chance of swerving or accelerating or braking out of trouble, not me. I need to stay out of the way of that shit. If a merging idiot cuts me off and I have to decelerate on an even a slight uphill grade, there will be peace in the Middle East before I can get back up to the speed limit. I know you are pissed off that I am keeping you from speeding your ass off for a few minutes, but if I get stuck in the Idiot Merge and have to slow down, then you will see some really serious traffic blockage while I hold the throttle pedal to the floor and wait for the bus to resume any forward motion. I know you don't give a shit about that because you can drive better than James Bond and would easily bust through the jam with amazing technique, but next time you might be a minute or two behind me... then you will taste some serious inconvenience and delay because some asshole such as yourself didn't let me just keep up enough momentum to get out of the way as soon as possible. 2. Speaking of merging: Look here, the bus has basically two modes; floored and stopped. When floored, the actual speed depends entirely on grade and momentum. When I am coming down a ramp to merge onto the highway, I am FUCKING FLOORING IT, ok? I am trying to get as close to the flow of traffic as possible. Maybe you are in the right land and see me up ahead, preparing to merge and signaling left. You could do a couple of things. You could slow down and let me in, which I would appreciate but certainly not expect of you. Or, probably even better, you could put your fucking foot in it and blast cleanly around me and make good your escape. But either way, you gotta shit or get off the pot. Please do not hover back there in my blind spot, spitting and cussing and wondering when I'm going to make my move. Guess what? You are already seeing my move. I am signaling left and standing on the throttle with my full weight. You're the one in the vehicle that actually has a choice to go faster. I realize that sometimes I am getting in your way. Really, I'm sorry about that, but if you make me slow down because I can't tell where you are ... well, then we're going to see how badly I can make traffic back up. The rule of thumb is this: Do what traffic expects you to do. That means do not come to a screeching halt on the freeway because you think I'll cut in front of you, or because you are such a sweetheart that you are willing to fuck 5 miles of commuters behind you so that I can creep into traffic. Just drive. Do what traffic expects. If you can just carry on at your same speed and zip right past me than please do so. On the the other hand, if you see me a half mile up ahead, signaling left and waiting waiting waiting to get over, and no one will budge, and I am getting dangerously close to the point of no return... please do not floor it when I finally get a little gap and you are several hundred yards back. We want the same thing, you and me. You want to get the fuck away from me and I also want you to do that. Oh, and northbound, after the curvy part of 17, just after the Cats restaurant, where the first Los Gatos onramp comes in... I always grab the left lane anywhere I can get it after Lexington Reservoir and the Cats. The traffic merging onto the freeway at Los Gatos is deadly. Deadly and slow. Plus, there is another merge nightmare shortly thereafter as people try and remember whether they want 85 or not... or start reading their map to see what 85 even is. I don't want 85. I want to stay away from everyone who is wrapped up in the spiritual dilemma over whether to take it or not. That means one thing and one thing only: Left Lane. Please keep in mind... I am not trying to block your way. I just need to maintain my speed long enough to get around all that shit. As usual, if I get caught in it, I'll become a much bigger pain in the ass while I try and get back up to speed over the next 20 minutes. 3. Lane changes/passing other vehicles Same deal. Believe it or not, there are vehicles on the road even slower than the Hwy17 bus. Usually they are big rigs, construction trailers, out-of-town first-times (on this road) doing the White Knuckler... and sometimes they are just terrified little idiots who refuse to believe that the posted speed limit is to be trusted. If I get caught behind this stuff on the uphill... forget it. I'll be slowing up the traffic for a long time If you see me on the downhill, signaling left, please let me get around them. I can do it going downhill, and I PROMISE to get the fuck back in the slow lane immediately. I hope this clears up some confusion. It is a treacherous road, and can be unbearably frustrating when you are in a hurry. Please keep in mind that my bus is not the only thing out there jamming up traffic. In fact, I'll jam it up less if given just a little room. At least I am aware of the situation and aware of the need to try and stay out of the way when I can't go fast, and to keep things flowing when I can. Oh, and to the woman in the dirty Subaru Outback with the Montessori bumper sticker... you really need to quit biting your nail on that middle finger. Your Bird-Flippng technique is flawless, but that fingernail is disgusting. Next time I see it (probably tomorrow) I want to see it neatly trimmed. <ul> <li> Location: HWY 17 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T22:57:25-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1590948273.html Greetings from your friendly HWY 17 bus driver text Amazing Deal http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1589822143.html a couple of used kitchen appliances and some tables and chairs along with the rights to rent space in a strip mall for sale.... I am calling it a restaurant since that is what I tried to do, but it could be a great place to turn lead into GOLD !!!... Or possibly make MILLIONS of dollars overnight shining shoes... all for a wee $65,000...... Yeah you could just buy an oven, fridge, and gas grill, with an exhaust hood, and some tables and chairs at auction for less that $15,000...... But, that wouldn't be a profit to me now would it.... Or maybe I dumped a couple hundred grand in the place buying new and paying for contractors to do all the work for me... I can't remember... and I never would tell the truth anyway... I am claiming to sell for health reasons and I will tell you I plan to retire in Florida or some BS that makes you think I made a ton of money here... All items are located deep in the ghetto where no one has any money and crime is high just in front of the parking lot with all the pot holes. That spot famous for being the place the gangs and drug dealers like to hang out and shoot each other.... Plenty of customers like to come in and haggle for a cheaper price than my listed menu prices and at least 500 methheads live close by in the alley, so plenty of foot traffic close by... and every hour someone will call up saying there was hair in their food and they demand 5 times the amount of food they paid for to make them feel better... But, you can be your own boss !!! So isn't it worth overpaying for my used appliances to save you a day or two of running around ?....There is no electricity or gas on to prove any of the equipment works, but you are the trusting type.... all of the tables have sayings like T-Bone was here... and the local High School rules... and Freddy stinks... but there is also phone numbers for easy girls who put out and funny looking charactures engraved in the table tops... and plenty of graffiti on the wall outside adding character to the building.. According to the Health Dept, the dumpster out back needs to be fenced in but the landlord won't bother since the methheads tear the fencing down to turn in for scrap.. The fence just gets in the way of the bums throwing trash all over anyway... , so every time the health department inspects the place you lose 30 points right off the bat... but 70 is still passing if everything else passes with flying colors.. just don't get a single point taken off inside and you'll be ok... anywho...I know you working class slobs are desperate to do anything but get an education or research the cost yourselves... You will just waste that SBA loan or inheritence on something like this, so I have one for sale... At least I will have if you reply to this ad and prove you have the money.... which I will need to see before I show you the place This is a real money pit... you can't go wrong.... and besides... why stay employed without much responsibility and kiss your employer's butt when you can kiss all of St Louis's lower class butt as a restaurant owner.... Where every customer is like your boss at work ... Only these people are even more difficult to deal with because they seriously want and expect free food and drinks every day and every hour you are open.... and they lack confidence since they are poor and want you to try REAL hard to respect them... It shouldn't matter that they have criminal records, no money, and are ugly to the eye.. They have to be super-respected due to a insecurity of ego... Yep, nothing like being your own boss..... putting everything you worked for your whole life on the line even though you have absolutely no experience running a restaurant other than that fast food joint back in high school and that waiting tables job in college... After all, you want to make hamburgers or pizza, and no one else in St Louis does that.... You can be the only one to offer such unique food items to the public... Or maybe you can do it better than those other restaurants who have been in business for 30 years or more by adding brussel sprouts or some other kind of goat food to a traditional food item... just remember taste doesn't mean anything as long as the food has either a catchy name or is considered healthy or whatever the latest fad is... $12,000 worth of equipment and a lease you could sign yourself for $65,000..... you can't go wrong.... Of course none of the equipment is Viking... Just crap known to break down so the company who originally sold it can make money coming out to repair it once a month... If interested, write a check for $65,000 cash and hand it to your worst enemy, then call it a learning experience... and save years on your life from worry about bills and time wasted chasing greener pastures..... You will save a ton of money in litigation costs by not defaulting on the lease too..... I am the best deal in the world for an inexperienced yuppie with pipe dreams of leaving the office behind or some out of work loser who will never open a book and find out how to make money in this world... Yep.... Forget college and experience.... There is always a short cut.... Everyone knows this... and here is your chance... You will have to sign away all of your rights to sue me when I put "As Is" on the purchase agreement... but you aren't paying attention to any of that since you will be all emotional about starting your own business and be caught up in your dream of being the next Macdonald's food chain... and besides any high school drop out can run a successful restaurant.. This was proven years ago by that one guy... I might even be willing to owner finance if I get close to declaring bankruptcy... but I will wait till the last minute and screw myself trying to get a cash deal like I like to do.... So you know... Buy now... If you don't like this one, I am working this hustle at 5 other locations too.... I never run a restaurant for real... I just make it look like one has been run there... No one ever asks to see my books... I just put some equipment in a strip mall, rent out the space for $6000 a year and sell it for $65,000 each time... But you the buyer won't know any different, I promise.. !! I can even put you in touch with the restaurant consultant who charges me $200 an hour to tell me what I could have looked up on the internet for free... he's a great guy.... he didn't get anywhere with his business of 15 years, but he did find a Rube just like you who had a million dollars to pay him for his trumped up books, used equipment, and leasehold like I am offering today... but I am only charging $65,000...... See how nice I am !!! Anyway... I am going on.... I didn't put up any contact info because I don't need to screw over people to make money running scams like this for real... I actually can run a business successfully... So, you know... Best of luck and don't break a finger flagging me.... Karma has a way of getting ya like that... Go Saints in the Super Bowl today... !! <ul> <li> Location: Ghetto <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T06:14:55-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1589822143.html Amazing Deal text please help me win my wife back http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1589747282.html Hi, Well, this is weird. But thanks for clicking and reading. I don't even know what terms to use. Beautician? Stylist? I haven't been cool for 20+ years, so please just let me talk. I am a white man who is 46 years old. I'm a dad of teenagers. Middle class. My wife of many years and I are having big fights, and I want to woo her back. Part of the plan is to not look like the 46-year-old slob that I fear she sees. I'm no bumpkin--but I'm no metrosexual, either. Honestly, I'm clueless as to fashion, looks, etc. So what I'm hoping to find: someone (in my mind, it's a woman in her 30s who is young enough to be hip and mature enough to understand me) who will spend a day with me making me more attractive to my wife. If this sounds weird to you, please don't respond. If you find this ridiculous, please move on. But if you want to help a decent guy who is in love with his wife, please write. She's back in town on Wednesday--I want my hair and skin and clothes and whatever else to look awesome by then. I will pay $200 for 8 hours of consulting. You would need to listen to me about the things I know she likes (like curls at the back of my hair), and not try to make me look like I'm 20-something, or anything else I'm not. But I'm very open to a fresh perspective. And, of course, you would need to be respectful, and in earnest. When you get right down to it, we're all just really trying, right? I need some help. I'm no creeper--I'm not trying to meet someone, or whatever--maybe you're not a 30-something woman, maybe you're a 20- or 80-something gay man or whatever--I don't care. I'm just a middle-aged guy who needs some help in looking as best he can (which won't be much) to try to win his wife back. If you can help, please get in touch. It'll be a challenge: I have braces, and a bald spot! Well, you play the hand you're dealt. My wife is the love of my life, and I want nothing more than to be the best I can be for her. Thanks for reading--I hope you can help-- <ul> <li> Location: North Austin <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T00:54:21-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1589747282.html please help me win my wife back text 100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1589192642.html Right now, it is 4.19pm on Saturday, the 6th of February, 2010. I live on the Gramercy Mansion property grounds, near Villa Julie/Stevenson college on Greenspring Valley Road. This is the intersection of 695 and 83. I am snowed in. The long driveway is only partially plowed. I have a crisp 100$ bill. I will gladly give it to the first person who can hand deliver two large brownies, and 1 pint of vanilla ice cream to me. Must be in person, no aircraft drones, catapults, etc. Serious inquiries only. Must be delivered by 9pm this evening. <ul> <li> Location: Stevenson, MD <li> Compensation: Crisp 100$ bill. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-06T16:22:11-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1589192642.html 100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream text Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bji/1587347039.html "SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage. Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword. Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights. No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons. Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins. I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive. <ul> <li> Location: Bemidji <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-05T11:52:40-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bji/1587347039.html Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner text Computer repairman http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Does your computer not work as well as it used it, but you are scared to bring it to someone to get it fixed because you don't want anyone seeing what you've downloaded? I fix computers for under $100. Completely confidential, i don't even look at your files. I just wipe out the hard drive and and reinstall windows. Your computer will be as good as new. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1584333712.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Staten Island <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-03T14:21:07-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Computer repairman text Ceramic bald Lionel Richie bust wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1580579799.html I am looking for a replica of the bust made in the Lionel Richie "Hello" video. <img src="http://stereogum.com/img/lionel11.jpg"> However I'd like it to be bald as I intend to recreate that lovable afromullet with some sort of cream cheese dip at parties. Not that I have many parties, but if I had this, I might start. I'd like it to be maybe about a foot tall. It really has to look like that bust (which oddly enough doesn't look like Lionel Richie at all) or it won't be worth it. Hopefully it can be the same orangish-brown matte finish that is in the video but I understand making it safe for a cheesy-afro might lead to some compromises. Please email me with a bid including a breakdown the cost of supplies and labor. I can also exchange for computer repair (mac/pc, virus/malware repair, etc) or maybe a 12" G4 iBook, Thank you to Curtis for informing me that terracotta would not be a good choice for a food-safe sculpture. Take care. <ul> <li> Location: Bridgeport <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: see description. </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-01T09:40:42-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1580579799.html Ceramic bald Lionel Richie bust wanted text Hey sellers - take some advice before posting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1580127492.html I've spent the better part of 3 months searching craigslist, looking for furniture for my apartment. I've bought nearly everything I need for my apartment from craigslist, but it hasn't been easy. Why? Because most sellers repeat these same mistakes when listing their items. Take a moment to read this before you list, and I'm certain you'll get better results. 1. INCLUDE PICTURES. Take the extra 10 minutes to include some photos of your stuff. A photo makes all the difference! You can try to describe your "brown couch with lovely accent pattern" but a photo will tell me exactly what your couch looks like. 2. INCLUDE DIMENSIONS. Take 3 minutes and measure your stuff. I can't tell you how many "large tables" I looked at that were no bigger than 30" in diameter. And I can't tell you how many people thought I was crazy for asking for measurements before I came to look at something of theirs. Hey - if it won't fit in my dining room, I don't care how beautiful it is. 3. PRICE YOUR ITEMS APPROPRIATELY. This may be the most important tip I can offer. You may have paid $1500 for a couch 5 years ago, and it's probably a lovely piece of furniture. But, you sat on it for five years, your kids sat on it, your Uncle Troy with the flatulence issues sat on it twice a year for five years. Therefore, it's not worth $750, or $500, or probably even $300... and that's why your expensive couch sits on craigslist for weeks and weeks and weeks without selling. If you'd price it more realistically, it would probably sell quickly, and you could move on. Re-listing it a dozen times at that inflated price doesn't help. Price it right, and it'll sell quickly. Trust me!! I laugh when I see ads from people that have a dining room table "with a few nicks" or "some minor wear" listed for $800+. I'll buy a new one from Ashley for $399, thank you. And finally, try being nice when you respond to e-mails or phone calls. I dealt with one person who seemed genuinely upset that I wanted to buy his kitchen table. He was rude, inconsiderate, and didn't even seem to be remotely interested in selling the table. I'm not forcing you to sell anything - I've got cash, and I want to give it to you, so it might not hurt to brush up on your manners. And when you tell me to "call with questions" don't act as if you have no idea why I'm calling, especially after I say something like, "Hi, this is Joe - I saw your ad on craigslist for the table and chairs. I have a few questions if you have a few minutes available to chat." I said that exact same thing to a lady who was selling a table on craigslist, and her response was, "What? Why are you calling? My table? What about it?!" Crikey. So... take this advice for what it's worth - 1. Pictures 2. Measurements 3. Price appropriately 4. Use your head Oh, and how about one last bit of advice - tell us if you smoke, if you have pets, and if you have kids. And, if you have any one of those three items, reduce the price of your item by at least 25%. It makes a difference! <ul> <li> Location: Madison <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T21:23:54-06:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1580127492.html Hey sellers - take some advice before posting text Litter box cleaning for pancakes http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1580110650.html I have a terrible problem. My litter box is dirty and smells horrible and I don't want to clean it. I am amazing at making pancakes however. I will trade my pancake skills for a clean litter box. Serious inquires only. <ul> <li> Location: bathroom corner <li> Compensation: pancakes. All you can eat!!! <li> This is an internship job <li> OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T22:08:24-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1580110650.html Litter box cleaning for pancakes text You slept in my bed last night - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1579077317.html ME: A guy coming home to find you asleep in my bed. YOU: Stunningly attractive blonde slightly undressed. ME: Strangely bemused, but too tired and distracted by other women in my head to care. YOU: Gone this morning when I woke up. ME: Trying to determine from roommates who you were, but they have no clue (they really aren't too conscious right now and think I am lying). If you attended what must have been a great party last night (I can tell from the mess) and slept in some guys bed then please poke me back, I have some things here that might be yours. Also, let me know if you will be back tonight and I will change the sheets. Finally, thank you for not taking my side of the bed, THAT would have been awkward. <ul> <li> Location: Decatur <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T09:39:22-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1579077317.html You slept in my bed last night - m4w text Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1578516400.html WANTED: One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives. We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem! Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for "precious". This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only. <ul> <li> Location: Astoria, NY <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-30T18:19:48-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1578516400.html Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. text Saw you on the Diag... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1578369853.html You were the chick in a backpack wearing Uggs, black tights, a Northface jacket, and a headband. I was the guy wearing Michigan sweatpants, a parka, and a Michigan beanie. Hit me up, we could stare vapidly into each others' eyes without a single thought between us. <ul> <li> Location: UofM <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-30T16:36:56-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1578369853.html Saw you on the Diag... - m4w text Urban Outfitters Architect http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1577237721.html Dear Sir or Madam, As a long-time citizen of Asheville, I would like to extend my hand in gratitude to you on behalf of the citizens of this fair city I call my home. By remodeling -- née transforming -- the building which once housed the CVS Pharmacy on Haywood Street, you have not only helped Asheville cure its deficit of faux vintage tees and fake reading glasses, but also created an architectural marvel which will draw crowds for years to come. In the beginning, many lamented the loss of CVS. "Where will we find conveniently located feminine hygiene products?" they wailed! But now, after finally laying eyes on what has become of their once beloved pharmacy, I am certain these naysayers, these curmudgeons -- these nincompoops -- will agree that this view has been shortsighted. You see, what I understand -- and which I am certain everyone else will come to understand -- is that you, Mr. or Mrs. Architect, have given our quaint mountain town something which CVS could never offer: ass. With not one, not two, but three conveniently placed eye-level windows on College Street and a brilliantly positioned check-out counter just beyond, you have given us the gift of buttocks. Now, when I stroll up College Street, I no longer have to look vacantly at some barren brick wall. No, now I can peer longingly at the glorious rumps and rear-ends of a cornucopia -- a plethora -- of Urban Outfitters cashiers, all because of a pane of glass and a person with the foresight to give the public what they want. This is America. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses? No! Give us butts in plain view and the ability to discreetly leer at them through a window as we amble up the sidewalk. Asheville -- like this fine country of ours -- contains a diverse spectrum of peoples, but we can all agree on the exquisite brilliance of backsides. And this is where your genius lies. You have united us one and all. From now on, everyone -- from the polo shirted roofier leaving The Vault to some smelly dude with face tattoos -- will be able to enjoy the rear ends of anonymous strangers, all while enjoying the grandeur of our beautiful downtown, a downtown you've helped to make just a little more beautiful and a little more grand. <ul> <li> Location: College Street, Downtown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-29T20:50:35-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1577237721.html Urban Outfitters Architect text Take Adult Star Katie Michaels to see Rangers vs. Coyotes Saturday!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1577163164.html Hi I am THE Katie Michaels as seen in Hustler's barely Legal 100 and other fine adult films. I recently attended a Cardinals playoff game with a happy football fan and now you have the chance to take me to see the Rangers Saturday night to play against our Phoenix Coyotes. Yes it stinks that Carcillo got traded but look at how good we are doing without Gretzky behind the bench! Anyways, if you would like to see the game with me I have two lower level seats (one for me one for you) and for $500 we will both go and have a great time. Check me out on www.katiemichaels.net and hit me up with your phone number by replying to this posting so that I can make the necessary arrangements. First fan gets to have me and since there is only one of me don't wait. <ul> <li> Location: Jobbing.com Arena Glendale <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-29T17:50:11-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1577163164.html Take Adult Star Katie Michaels to see Rangers vs. Coyotes Saturday!!! text Orange Popsicles http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1573701441.html Okay, it's Craigslist. One day you can have free fill dirt (you haul), the next day it's tons of moving boxes all in good shape. Well, today it's orange popsicles (all in good shape, you haul). A regular box of popsicles includes cherry (my favorite), grape (so-so) and orange. I don't like the orange ones. I'm a grown-up and I don't have to eat them if I don't want to. On the other hand I can't bring myself to throw them away and I don't have children or grandchildren living in the area to give them to (assuming they would like them). I currently have a bunch of orange popsicles in my freezer. If you want them,, let me know. If you are paranoid about them, you probably shouldn't be looking for free things on Craigslist in the first place. However, keep in mind they are all "factory sealed" and whoever takes them probably isn't going to end up on the 6:00 news because they were poisoned to death by orange popsicles. Someone is going to want these things, so you better hurry. If things work out, maybe we could develop a "popsicles are ready for pickup" relationship whereby I send you an E-mail whenever the freezer overfloweth. Keep in mind that a box of 24 popsicles costs about $4.50 and you are only getting 1/3 of a box...or in this case 1/3 of several boxes. The point is I don't think you should consider driving from Estes Park for the orange popsicles. However, if you do and you are first, I will give them to you. FAQ: Q: Are the orange popsicles sugar free? A: Do I SOUND like someone why buys sugar free popsicles? No, they aren't. Q. How many orange popsicles are currently available? A. As of 3:15 on 1/27 I have 17 of them. First person to respond gets all of them! <ul> <li> Location: Lafayette <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T15:18:50-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1573701441.html Orange Popsicles text Faghag needed in NEK http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1573280932.html Recent Boston transplant to middle of nowhere podunk VT. About Fag: Unemployed Fag without a car and too much free time. Have had no success finding men of substance on Manhunt. Enjoys photography, urban exploration (read: trespassing), music, art, food and bad indie movies. Duties would include: Laughing at my jokes Watching bad movies on netflix Exploring abandoned houses and factories. Checking out hot guys Providing approval on possible date candidates Smoking and providing pot Providing a shoulder for crying Ideal candidate would possess some or all of the following qualities: A car Loud annoying voice Sympathy with a strong streak of vindictiveness Masculinity beyond which I posses Offers good advice while never taking her own The need to protect her Fag from violence by str8 men (typically while beating her Fag for getting into the mess in the first place) Overweight/Ginger/Lesbian tendencies to the front of the line. Auditions by appointment only. Thanks, Fag in need of a Hag <ul> <li> Location: Lyndonville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T13:35:18-05:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1573280932.html Faghag needed in NEK text